[creative]

A timely thread and well.... I never thought I would be typing something like this, I was always a strong, confident person that didnt have a care in the world... That all changed for me 8 months ago when I literally came to breaking point and broke down.

I've never taken depression seriously as I had never suffered from it, I mean, how bad can it be?... now I know. Its one of the most debilitating things I have ever had to deal with.. I have good days, bad days and worse days and it felt like it came from nowhere!

I am emotionally exhausted, mentally drained and quite frankly a mess. The same day I broke down, I walked out of work at lunch and I went straight to the GP to get a referral.

I needed help and its been one of the hardest things for me to do.

I have always been the dependable one, the strong one, the one that is so sure but through this journey I have come to realise I havent been happy for a very long time and I have never talked about ... well, anything.

I started seeing a Psychiatrist, trying to work out my triggers and I was actually feeling alot better but in reality I still wasnt being totally honest and hiding behind the pressures of work, putting a face on like I always have.... until recently when I had a massive argument with the missus and I was gauding her to punch me, for her to take the pain and anger out on me, I deserve it... when in reality i was crying out for help. This has forced me to seriously look at myself and how broken I currently am.

I have days where I have this overwhelming cloud of despair over me where I literally break down and cant function. I have bouts of anger and frustration with everything and everyone and I will just simply not move off the sofa and just stare at the tv.. couldnt even tell you whats on, lets not get started on the lack of sleep and complete loss of appetite... that I am now seeing the effects of not eating properly...

I am beginning to realise I have underlying issues with losing people in my life and it stems back to my childhood, ( doesnt it always ).. I have literally lost everyone in my life I care about and I am now paying for not expressing it sooner. I put up barriers to protect myself for when the inevitable happens and I can carry on as normal.

The last week or so I have decided I need to talk, I need to let people in again, I need to express my feelings before I go mad. I took the step and told one of my boss's today because I felt they had a right to know ( been with them for 10 years on the 14th so we all know each other really well) and to give me chance to apologize for my mood swings and bouts of anger. She actually had no idea I was like this and chalked it up to being tired and under pressure.. I apparently hide things well.

why am I typing this? I have no idea.... I saw the thread and felt I needed to. It's taken me 30min just to type this, trying to make sense of the jumbled mess that's in my head, hovering over the 'post quick reply' button trying to decide if I should post the wall of text that is just me rambling..

If your reading it.. I guess I pressed it....