Buck's night fallout

[F6T]

I think you're right about that.....deep down, I think he may have been hoping to stir up some trouble between us.

makes you wonder why you include someone as your best man who at the end of the day, probably doesn't really wish you the best for your marriage. I'm trying not to think too much about that. don't want to open up a massive can of worms or anything. we go back a long long way so it is probably time to have a deep and meaningful with him over a beer.

It would be great if he could just put his differences behind him and be accepting of the fact that I am, and have been, blissfully happy for the last 7.5 years with my girl?

[Go baby Go]

Now here's where it gets tricky....... not being a boy (however I am most defintiely not like most girls - my first race car at 17 attests to that.....) I am purely speculating.....BUT
does he feel threatened by the future mrs madxh96? or does he think that you won't be the same/won't go out with him/won't be able to catch up like you used to or do now....?

Either way that's his beef, not yours.... wearing a wedding (or suffer-ring as my boy calls it) ring does not change the man............... have a chat over a few at the local and you might get to the bottom of it.....
But if that's too deep for you boys, then still over a couple at at the local explain she ain't going anywhere, and as your best mate you hope there isn't any aggro or that he won't put you in the middle....... 7 1/2 years for god's sake - it's not as if you met her 3 weeks ago and she needs a visa........

[F6T]

It's not a matter of me not being able to spend time with him or anything - he has moved to Sydney some time ago so that isn't it. I think he reckons I can do better because she is not the sort of girl he would go out with.


Anyway, as of thismorning, I am back to square one.

another big fight......she just can't seem to get past it and everytime I think she has she just brings it up again. she can't help her feelings about this I guess. but its driving me nuts.

I think it might be ultimatum time. Either she gets over it, or it will destroy us. I told her that it will be like a cancer that will destroy us eventually if she can't come to terms with why she feels the way she does and deal with. especially given that she gave the permission in the first place.

I need to know one way or the other. wedding is 4 weeks away. there is alot of money involved. to me, this doesn't seem normal leading up to the happiest day of your life.

argument started thismorning over the fact that my best mate is going to be the best man - and how could I stand by that if he doesn't like her. Told her that I don't think that is the case, and if it was he would have declined to be my best man if he felt that strongly about it. I think she has made it something much bigger in her own mind than what it really is.

Valentine's Day will be interesting. :

[GXL078]

Originally Posted by new2ford

Marrying a Czech girl - even more worth it!

Absinth makes the heart grow fonder.

[XR6-VCT-2000]

No offence to your missus , but talk about insecure and being a bit of a sook about it! .

Bucks nights are harmless fun , it's not like you went out and used the night for your last chance to get laid by a stranger or anything like that ! ..lol

It was a bucks night for gods sake, gee what did she expect , and to say its ok for you to go then crack it with you is very imiture mind games .

Get your woman to read over this whole thread, then she might realise she's being a bit up tight. my 2 cents worth anyway. gl

[XRated]

Originally Posted by XR6-VCT-2000

Get your woman to read over this whole thread, then she might realise she's being a bit up tight. my 2 cents worth anyway. gl

No way! How many of your partners would be happy if they knew you were discussing your/their personal issues on a public forum?

You need to have a serious chat with her very soon buddy. Spoil her, make it a special night out for her and spill everything that's on your mind. It's better to have everything out there and try to resolve things, and if you don't, at least you know either way.

Good luck buddy. Hold strong.

[XR6-VCT-2000]

XRated ..... It shouldn't even of come to this for him, he shouldn't have to be here asking for advice realy. It's his woman who has put him in this position , fight fire with fire i say ...hahaha

[F6T]

showing her this thread would be the selly's sealer. she would flip out.

whilst as serious as the bucks night drama is at the moment (again), the biggest problem now is that she can't stand the thought of my best mate as the best man.

all this ***** is turning me of my food. can't concentrate on work. I'm not sure I'm in the right frame of mind to deal with all of this at the moment as my main emotion is anger at how stupid this whole thing is. her attitude towards this stuff is destroying everything. I don't even want the whole big wedding now if it is going to cause this much crap in our lives.

I know she will say that the dark cloud over everything is my fault bcoz I shouldn't have gone in the first place but goddamit, she let me go!!

killing me.

I'm seriously considering postponing everything until the gets sorted but too much $$$ has been put up now to go back.

should have just stayed de facto and turbo'ed the ute. :evil_laug

[EA2BA]

The Past is the Past simple as that, I do not talk to my wife about my ex nor expect her to talk about hers, if anything gets mentioned I say thats the past and doesn't count, life starts from when we met and got married.

You DID NOT CHEAT, you would never cheat on her, you will NEVER go to a strip club again, by yourself or as a group now you see just how much she is upset over it, you can't change the facts it happened, ask if she has ever been to a sex shop at anytime in her life, chances are she has and you haven't, so does that make her just as perverted in her mind.

I don't know the answer to your problem, everyone is different, do not threaten to call the wedding off, do not mention the money invested, do not say a lot of people will be inconvenienced if you call it off.
Do mention that you asked her to marry you as you do want to spend the rest of your life with her, and you only plan to get married once that it does mean till death do you part, and you never felt this way to you met her. (I assume you feel this way, maybe thats all she needs to hear).

[EA2BA]

As to the best man part, well you may hate her bridesmaid(s), its not what the wedding is about, it's about your commitment to each other in the presence of family and friends and the celebration of that event with them (wether you like them all or not).

[Rodp]

Originally Posted by madxh96

It's not a matter of me not being able to spend time with him or anything - he has moved to Sydney some time ago so that isn't it. I think he reckons I can do better because she is not the sort of girl he would go out with.


Anyway, as of thismorning, I am back to square one.

Sorry dude, but I'd be running as fast as I could away from this girl. Multiply by 10 what she's like now and that's what she will be like a year after you're married.

[drnick]

Having read all of this thread madxh96, I think you need to lay it all down to her and tell her how it is. It is best to get all of this sorted before the wedding than to go through with it and not be happy. I have been married a little over 2 years now and have been in total with my wife for over 8 years. If my wife had issues like this I would have had them well sorted before the big day. Lucky for me she is all fine with that stuff and trusts me.

Seems like your to be wife does not trust you. Get that sorted quick smart or she is not the one. :(

Good luck.

S

[GCFordChic]

Oh man, do I feel sorry for you right now!

She probably wanted to come across as a loving and trusting future wife, but when she heard details (that she deep down did not want to hear) that probably set her off. Now she has had enough time to create images in her head and possible fictitious events that she thinks you are not telling her about.

I don't care what my other half does on his bucks night as long as he wakes up in the morning in a bed/on the floor by himself. BUT I also do not want to hear about it. Just like how I don't care what he does at work each day he is away from me and the days he is out with his mates.

As for solving your problem... tough one. She is stressed to the max at the moment with wedding plans, don't threaten or mention postponing or cancelling the wedding, this will set off emotions and may make her angrier than she already is, then something may happen that neither of you really want.

Tell her that you didn't understand what it was she expected of you as there was some serious miscommunication. Don't take all the blame, but don't lob it all onto her. Tell her you want your best friend their for you, and if he didn't support the marriage, he wouldn't be your best man, so obviously, despite their differences, he(your best man) is able to accept that you're happy in making the decision to marry her and he wants to support you and her in making it work. If she has problems with him, that is between them, tell her you are made to feel uncomfortable between the two and don't like being made to choose because each of them mean different things to you, but you value what each of them bring to your life.

Be honest, but not to the point that you call her a manipulating, twisted b()tch... :

I hope it works out for you, but in the end, we can only give you general advice, adapt it to your relationship.

Best of luck,

Jennifer

[Sourbastard]

Originally Posted by madxh96

so I had my buck's night on friday night. still feeling ordinary today but managed to keep my eyebrows intact.

got dragged into a strip club for a public humiliation, violation, denigration, emasculation etc (as you do!). The thing is, is that I got the OK from my fiancee to go to a strip club if that was on the agenda (bear in mind that I had no idea whatsoever of what was instore for me). The deal was that she would be OK with this so long as I provided her with all the details. :

As it turns out, after hearing about all the details, she has decided that she is not very happy about it at all. All I had was a lap dance (no touching) and then was given a humiliation by 2 strippers. we then had to leave as the next girl that came out on to the stage turned out to be a cousin of mine!!! (shock horror) so we left.

She is now saying that the only reason she gave me the green light was to see if, in the face of 20 of my closest mates, I could say no to being dragged into the place. In other words, she baited me into it as a test to see if I would say no of my own accord. I failed.

It is 4 weeks from the wedding. She is bitterly disappointed and embarrassed with me. I think it is a very unfair situation and was just a bit of harmless fun. I have been getting cold ar*e pie since saturday morning and the full silent treatment and it doesn't look like letting up and my patience is wearing thin. I have a feeling that it is going to end up in tears or a serious argument with the wedding being called off or something stupid unless she can come to terms with what has happened and that it really isn't all that bad.

Wondering if anyone else out there has had to deal with this and what you guys have done to get them to realise that these places are just sleezy businesses, and that the girls are only doing it, not because they are attracted to you, but because they are being paid to do it. Just a bit of harmless fun. I am interested in what you ladies out there think about the situation too.

Her hens night is coming up this week. I was thinking of arranging a male stripper for her so that she can see first hand how silly the whole thing is and just a laugh for everyone (in the right setting of course)!

How do I manage this people??

I know how id manage it. pack her crap, and toss it onto the lawn. People who play mind games for their own ammusement are small and petty people. My ex wife was the same way, and I sent her on her way. When someone says yes, it means yes. If they meant no, thats what real adults refer to as a blatant lie.

[The Dok]

For what it's worth Michael, if you have parents (hopefully so) & trust them, go talk to them, after all they should know you best, & will tell you straight whether this is the right girl for you or not, public forums are great, but this is a life changing decision & should not be taken lightly. I feel your pain & sorrow mate.
I'm sure whatever you decide, will be best for you both.

[EA2BA]

She probably wanted to come across as a loving and trusting future wife, but when she heard details (that she deep down did not want to hear) that probably set her off. Now she has had enough time to create images in her head and possible fictitious events that she thinks you are not telling her about.

Spoken as only a woman could

[F6T]

Originally Posted by The Dok

For what it's worth Michael, if you have parents (hopefully so) & trust them, go talk to them, after all they should know you best, & will tell you straight whether this is the right girl for you or not, public forums are great, but this is a life changing decision & should not be taken lightly. I feel your pain & sorrow mate.
I'm sure whatever you decide, will be best for you both.

thanks mate. my mum and dad are the best. married 40 years. I have never heard them even raise their voices at each other. Their opinion and judgment of character and advice are critical/pivotal to me.

however, in my experience, bringing stuff like this up with the immediate family tends to take the argument to a whole new plane of existence. It makes it very real and sometimes means that not only do we have to make up with each other, but we also have to reconcile with each other's parents. I don't want to raise it to Defcon 5 just yet if I can avoid it. In addition, stuff like this wipes years off your parents life - they worry about it soo much and it is a bit unfair to burden them with my ***** before I give it a really good go myself at resolving it.

GCFordchic, I think what you have said makes a lot of sense and I will try to adapt alot of your advice to this situation. thank you.

just had another argument over lunch where I ended up spitting it and saying that I would contact my best mate and explain to him that he couldn't be at the wedding (bad move....I know)...her response:-

If you had of bothered waiting for me to finished what you would have heard was that I actually do not hate ***** (no matter what you think), I don't like him as much as I would have liked but I certainly do not hate him.. That is far too strong a word. I am sad that he doesn't know me for who I am and that even if I did talk to him about it I don't think he'd understand and it would just complicate things even more. We don't see eye to eye and I will never bring it up with him. At least if it's just on my side I can pretend for the sake of you that it is fine. I do not want you to ask him not to be in the bridal party.

I do not spread stuff about him to people like he did with me (edit: he was badmouthing her to my mates over the way he saw her treating me - rubbish!). I talk to my close friends about how I'm feeling and they certainly don't talk to anyone else about it and they don't care either way about him. I am hurt at the moment and I'm sorry that it disrupts your life. The last thing I want is to be a disruption to you (edit:- I'm due in court this afternoon to conduct a hearing for an important client). I would love to be able to talk to you more but you always want to find a solution and for this there is none. Sometimes I just want a strong shoulder to lean on but you just get fed up with me and don't want to know. I am sad and it takes me longer to get over things than you. that's all there is too it.

what do you make of that. Am I being unreasonable now?

God I want this to end!!!! I feel bad about divulging all this on a public forum. you guys have been great though.

[EA2BA]

Are her parents rich, or she always been given what she wants, i am starting to see a bit of a spoiled brat who has a lot of growing up to do. I might be way of mark, and if I am I apologise.

You are expected to be a strong shoulder to lean on, to hear how you are an idiot for going to a strip club that she said yes to in the first place. I am confused :(

[F6T]

YOU'RE CONFUSED!!!!!

no, she is from a very modest background. adopted with one other adopted brother. I am from a very wealthy background though - but one of seven so not spoilt or used to getting my way or anything like that. I just hate conflicts and hope it hasn't gone beyond the point of no return in terms of putting a sour taste in our mouths on the big day.

[Mark351]

I think she's actually very clear about what the problem is there. I think the whole thing is so very little to do with the strippers, and a whole lot to do with the way your mate seems to be acting, and how she perceives it affecting you. Maybe your mate is thinking more of himself than of you, and that's not quite a mate. People want to feel important, it's a primal human need, and it seems she's feeling less important to you than your mate. That's not a 'game' either.

Try dealing with it this way - and it's not easy, and it's by no means a 'blokey' way but if you yourself wanting to sort it out, then you might have to do it.

When you have the time, without distraction, sit down and have a talk. However, do very little talking. Hard to do, I'm **** poor at not arguing myself, but when I can contain myself it's better. Listen to her, try and see her point of view don't voice your own. Don't accuse, don't react to things she might say you think are wrong or skewed, just let her spill. Sympathise with her, as it's obvious she has a need to get stuff of her chest. She says that quite clearly in the text you just posted. ("I would love to be able to talk to you more but you always want to find a solution and for this there is none. Sometimes I just want a strong shoulder to lean on but you just get fed up with me and don't want to know.") It might take a while, but let her spill until she can't spill anymore. Don't find solutions, don't try and 'solve' anything, just listen. I bet that if you take the time to do that, she'll feel much better.

Remember, this isn't about a strip club. It's just an easy excuse to rage about deeper, less obvious things. Continuing to dwell on the strip club part is just banging your head against a wall.

[EA2BA]

I can only suggest surprise her with a bunch of her favorite flowers, and say i dont want to fight any more, i love you to much to lose you, what do you say. hopefully a big hug and a few sorry's from both parties follow. Then finalise the best man situation and get on with things. I hope.

[EA2BA]

This is nothing compared to watching bridezilla on foxtel, so dont feel to bad, you should see what some of the guys on that show cop.

[PJ_SR_AUII]

Ive been to a few bucks shows and for my own it was over a couple of days. the first night after a few beers at home the lads decided to drag me to the strippers. My missus had given me the all clear to go just as long as nothing funny went on anyway after we had been there a while i noticed the boys doing a collection of money so i snuck out the door. The place was packed as it was Summernats weekend and the didnt notice till the 3 stippers they had paid asked me to come up on stage all the while i was in a cab on my way home. I didnt know what they had install for me and knowing my mates it could have been anything so i didnt take the risk. The lads all turned up at my place a couple of hours later (they were all crashing there for the weekend anyway) and wanted to know what happened and i just told them i had been given the **** by a bouncer. They tried to do the same thing the following nite but this time i actully did get the flick for being way to drunk and stirring the bouncers (a bad habbit i use to have) ing_sm

[Go baby Go]

Originally Posted by DeathXR

I think she's actually very clear about what the problem is there. I think the whole thing is so very little to do with the strippers, and a whole lot to do with the way your mate seems to be acting, and how she perceives it affecting you. Maybe your mate is thinking more of himself than of you, and that's not quite a mate. People want to feel important, it's a primal human need, and it seems she's feeling less important to you than your mate. That's not a 'game' either.

Try dealing with it this way - and it's not easy, and it's by no means a 'blokey' way but if you yourself wanting to sort it out, then you might have to do it.

When you have the time, without distraction, sit down and have a talk. However, do very little talking. Hard to do, I'm **** poor at not arguing myself, but when I can contain myself it's better. Listen to her, try and see her point of view don't voice your own. Don't accuse, don't react to things she might say you think are wrong or skewed, just let her spill. Sympathise with her, as it's obvious she has a need to get stuff of her chest. She says that quite clearly in the text you just posted. ("I would love to be able to talk to you more but you always want to find a solution and for this there is none. Sometimes I just want a strong shoulder to lean on but you just get fed up with me and don't want to know.") It might take a while, but let her spill until she can't spill anymore. Don't find solutions, don't try and 'solve' anything, just listen. I bet that if you take the time to do that, she'll feel much better.

Remember, this isn't about a strip club. It's just an easy excuse to rage about deeper, less obvious things. Continuing to dwell on the strip club part is just banging your head against a wall.

A thousand-million-gazillion percent spot on....... she doesn't want the big strapping man saying ... "Don't worry... I'll save you".. she wants to purge and if you don't let her purge (and most importantly she is telling you she wants to get all off her chest with you - not her mum, girlfriends or anyone else - just you) man o man it'll build up and you'll need to run for cover.......

P.S. Good luck in the hearing

[XR06T]

Originally Posted by DeathXR

When you have the time, without distraction, sit down and have a talk. However, do very little talking. Hard to do, I'm **** poor at not arguing myself, but when I can contain myself it's better. Listen to her, try and see her point of view don't voice your own. Don't accuse, don't react to things she might say you think are wrong or skewed, just let her spill. Sympathise with her, as it's obvious she has a need to get stuff of her chest. She says that quite clearly in the text you just posted. ("I would love to be able to talk to you more but you always want to find a solution and for this there is none. Sometimes I just want a strong shoulder to lean on but you just get fed up with me and don't want to know.") It might take a while, but let her spill until she can't spill anymore. Don't find solutions, don't try and 'solve' anything, just listen. I bet that if you take the time to do that, she'll feel much better.

i think that this is some very good advice. i also think that by her spilling her guts she will be able to solve her own problems, all you do is have to be there to listen. Once she has actually said everything she has to say she will be able to see that either she is being unreasonable and is not making any sence to herself or anyone else, or you will be able to see what you have to do.

you got guts mate, for posting your story.. and i really hope it helps what has been said throughout this thread.

best of luck with it tiger..

[F6T]

cheers xro6t and to everyone for their advice. It has been the only thing keeping me sane!

I will give it a go tonight and just let her say her piece without interrupting or arguing etc. This will be hard for me bcoz I am trained to be argumentative! (lawyer).

Will let you guys know how it goes.

I've calmed down a whole lot now. Just want to get home and give her a hug and sort this out.

stay tuned.

[drnick]

Good luck mate!

S

[nugget378]

No way,put it all back on to her in someway,make her feel she's done something wrong,if she's anything like mine she'll come crawling back and apologise.
Never let her get the upper hand...

[Rodp]

Originally Posted by nugget378

No way,put it all back on to her in someway,make her feel she's done something wrong,if she's anything like mine she'll come crawling back and apologise.
Never let her get the upper hand...

LOL. Plan to be on the ever growing list of divorcee's it would seem

[The G6ET Spot]

Tell her to get over it and ask her what she did on her hens night.