Put some jokes here (non dirty)

[foxtrot]

A cop was on his horse waiting to cross the street
when a little girl on her new shiny bike stopped
beside him.

"Nice bike," the cop said. "Did Santa bring it to
you?"

"Yep," the little girl said, "he sure did!"

The cop looked the bike over and handed the girl a
$5 ticket for a safety violation. The cop said,
"Next year tell Santa to put a reflector light on
the back of it."

The young girl looked up at the cop and said, "Nice
horse you've got there, sir. Did Santa bring it to
you?"

"Yes, he sure did," chuckled the cop.

The little girl looked up at the cop and said, "Next
year tell Santa the dick goes underneath the horse,
not on top."

[Ringo]

I've just taken up a collection so have quite a bit to post to keep this thread going but I can't do it single handed.......post what you've got.

A fleeing Talibani, desperate for water, was plodding through the Afghanistan desert when he saw something far off in the distance. Hoping to find water, he staggered toward the object only to find a little old Jewish man sitting at a card-table with a collection neckties laid out on it........

The Arab asked, "My thirst is killing me. Do you have water?"

The Jewish man replied, "I have no water. Would you like to buy a tie? They are only $150. This one goes very nicely with your robes."

" DAMN IDIOT!" Shouted the Arab, I do not need an overpriced tie. I need WATER!"

"OK," said the old Jew, "it does not matter that you do not want to buy a tie, and that you insult me. I will show you that you have not offended me. If you walk over that hill to the east for about four miles, you will find a lovely restaurant. Go! Walk that way! The restaurant has all the water you need!"

The Arab staggered away toward the hill and eventually disappeared. Six hours later he comes crawling back to where the Jewish man was sitting at his table. The Jew said, "I told you, about four miles over that hill. Could you not find it?"

"I found it all right," rasped the Arab. "Your brother won't let me in without a tie!"

[bjr22n_]

Print this and share with your Drinking buddies:

Sally sits at the seashore selling seashells,
She sits and sells and sells and sits and sits and sits to sell her shells,
Until she is short of seashells.
Sally stands and stumbles across the sea shore,
Spotting several spotted seashells by the seashore,
Steve spots Sally stumbling across the seashore,
Steve sits by the seashore seeing sally spot seven spotted seashells,
Steve stalks Sally across the seashore,
Sally spots Steve stalking,
Sally stumbles to her seashell stall.
So Sally stocks her seven small spotted seashells she wants to sell.
Steve surprises Sally saying ‘ sally, selling seashells is so silly, lets shag’
Sally spins around and slaps Steve silly.
‘Steve’ she said, ‘Stop. Being so silly Steve.’
Steve storms off saying ‘well screw you Sally silly s!ut’
Sally sprints to Steve and snags his scrotum.
Steve start screaming, Sally squeezes Steve’s scrotum stronger
Steve shouts ‘STOP’.
Sally stumbles back to her seashell stall,
Steve Shouts and screams storming sorrily away,
Sally stumbles back to her seashell stall,
So Sally sits at the seashore selling seashells,
She sits and sells and sells and sits and sits and sits to sell her seven spotted seashells.

Try this at 12:30am when you have had a couple of stiff drinks
Or even funnier….
With 4 of your mates, every mistake you make you have to shot a shot of vodka or your choice of drink.

Great fun.:

[Ringo]

A store that sells husbands has just opened in New York City, where a woman may go to choose a husband.
Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates. You may visit the store ONLY ONCE !

There are six floors and the attributes of the men increase as the shopper ascends the flights. There is, however, a catch . . . you may choose any man from a particular floor, or you may choose to go up floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building! So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband.

On the first floor the sign on the door reads:

Floor 1 - These men have jobs and love the Lord.

The second floor sign reads:
Floor 2 - These men have jobs, love the Lord, and love kids.

The third floor sign reads:
Floor 3 - These men have jobs, love the Lord, love kids, and are extremely good looking.

"Wow," she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.

She goes to the fourth floor and sign reads:
Floor 4 - These men have jobs, love the Lord, love kids, are drop- dead good looking and help with the housework.

"Oh, mercy me!" she exclaims, "I can hardly stand it!"

Still, she goes to the fifth floor and sign reads:
Floor 5 - These men have jobs, love the Lord, love kids, are drop-dead gorgeous, help with the housework, and have a strong romantic streak.

She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 6 - You are visitor 4,363,012 to this floor.
There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store. Watch your step as you exit the building, and have a nice day!


-----------------------------------------------------------------------

A guy has never had sex, and gets into bed on his wedding night.
His new wife gets naked, sits on the bed, and says, "Do you know what I
want?" He says, "No."

She gets in bed, spreads her legs wide, and says, "Now do you know
what I want?"
He says, "Well, apparently, you want the whole bed to yourself !"

[bjr22n_]

Three blondes were applying for the last available position on the Texas
Highway Patrol. The detective conducting the interview looked at the three
of them and said, "So ya'll want to be a cop, eh?" The blondes all nodded.
The detective got up, opened a file drawer and pulled out a file folder.
Sitting back down, he opened it up and pulled out a picture, and said, "To
be a detective, you have to be able to detect. You must be able to notice
things such as distinguishing features and oddities such as scars, etc." So
saying he stuck the photo in the face of the first blonde and withdrew it
after about 2 seconds. "Now, he said, "Did you notice any distinguishing
features about the man?"

The blonde immediately said, "Yes, I did. He has only one eye!"

The detective shook his head and said, "Of course he has only one eye in
this picture! It's a profile of his face! You're dismissed!"
The first blonde hung her head and walked out of the office.
The detective then turned to the second blonde, stuck the photo in her face
for 2 seconds, pulled it back and said, "What about you? Notice anything
unusual or outstanding about this man?"
"Yes! He only has one ear!"
The detective put his head in his hand and exclaimed, "Didn't you hear what
I just told the other lady? This is a profile of the man's face!" Of course
you can only see one ear! You're excused, too!"
The second blonde sheepishly walked out of the office.
The detective turned his attention to the third and last blonde and said,
"This is probably a waste of time, but...." He flashed the photo in her
face for a couple of seconds and withdrew it, saying "All right. Did you
notice anything distinguishing or unusual about this man?"
The blonde said, "I did. This man wears contact lenses."
The detective frowned, took another look at the picture and began looking
at some of the papers in the folder. He looked up at the blonde with a
puzzled expression and said, "You're absolutely right! His bio says he
wears contacts! How in the world could you tell that by looking at this
picture?"
The blonde rolled her eyes and said, "Well duh! With only one eye and one
ear, he certainly can't wear glasses!"

[svo347]

Definition of Pressure....
A man with a wife,a mistress and a mortgage and all three of them are Late...

[gtfpv]

Originally Posted by svo347

Definition of Pressure....
A man with a wife,a mistress and a mortgage and all three of them are Late...

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA GOTTA LAUGH .

[bjr22n_]

Dave was bragging to his boss one day, "You know, I know everyone there is to know. Just name someone, anyone, and I know them."
Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff "OK, Dave, howabout Tom Cruise?"

"No drama's boss, Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it."

So Dave and his boss fly out to Hollywood and knock on Tom Cruise's door and Tom Cruise shouts, "Dave! What's happenin?!? Great to see you! Come on in for a beer!"

Although impressed, Dave's boss is still sceptical. After they leave Cruise's house, he tells him that he thinks Dave's knowing Cruise was just lucky.

"No, no, just name anyone else," Dave says.

"President Bush," his boss quickly retorts.

"Yup," Dave says, "Old buddies, let's fly out to Washington."

And off they go. At the White House, Bush spots Dave on the tour and motions him and his boss over, saying, "Dave, what a surprise, I was just on my way to a meeting, but you and your friend come on in and let's have a cup of coffee first and catch up."

Well, the boss is very shaken by now but still not totally convinced. After they leave the White House grounds he expresses his doubts to Dave, who again implores him to name anyone else.

The Pope," his boss replies.

"Sure!" says Dave. "My folks are from Poland, and I've known the Pope a long time."

So off they fly to Rome. Dave and his boss are assembled with the masses in Vatican Square when Dave says, "This will never work. I can't catch the Pope's eye among all these people. Tell you what, I know all the guards so let me just go upstairs and I'll come out on the balcony with the Pope."

And he disappears into the crowd headed toward the Vatican. Sure enough, half an hour later Dave emerges with the Pope on the balcony, but by the time Dave returns, he finds that his boss has had a heart attack and is surrounded by paramedics. Working his way to his boss' side, Dave asks him, "What happened?"

His boss looks up and says, "I was doing fine until you and the Pope came out on the balcony and the man next to me said...

"Who the hell is that on the balcony with Dave?”

[Ringo]

A first-grade teacher, Ms. Brooks, was having trouble with one of her
students. The teacher asked, "Harry, what's your problem?"

Harry answered, "I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the
3rd grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 3rd
grade
too!"

Ms. Brooks had had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office.

While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the
principal what the situation was. The principal told Ms. Brooks he
would give the boy a test. If he failed to answer any of his questions he
was to go back to the 1st grade and behave. She agreed.

Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he
agreed to take the test.

Principal: "What is 3 x 3?"

Harry: "9."

Principal: "What is 6 x 6?"

Harry: "36."

And so it went with every question the principal thought a 3rd grader should know.

The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her, "I think Harry can go to the 3rd grade."

Ms. Brooks says to the principal, "Let me ask him some questions."

The principal and Harry both agreed.

Ms. Brooks asks, "What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?"

Harry, after a moment: "Legs."

Ms. Brooks: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?"

The principal wondered why would she ask such a question!

Harry replied: "Pockets."

Ms. Brooks: "What does a dog do that a man steps into?"

Harry: "Pants."

Ms. Brooks: What starts with a C, ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin, whitish liquid?"

Harry: "Coconut."

The principal sat forward with his mouth hanging open.

Ms. Brooks: "What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?"

The principal's eyes opened really wide and before he could stop the
answer, Harry replied, "Bubble gum."

Ms. Brooks: "What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down
and a dog does on three legs?"

Harry: "Shake hands."

The principal was trembling.

Ms. Brooks: "What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a
lot of heat and excitement?"

Harry: "Fire truck."

The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, "Put Harry in the fifth-grade, I got the last seven questions wrong....

[Ringo]

A bus, carrying only ugly people, crashes into an oncoming truck and everyone inside dies. They, then, get to meet their Maker and, because of the grief they have experienced, He decides to grant them one wish each; before they enter Paradise.

They're all lined up and God asks the first one what the wish is. "I want to be gorgeous, " and so, God snaps His fingers and it is done.

The second one in line hears this and says, "I want to be gorgeous, too." Another snap of His fingers and the wish is granted.

This goes on for a while. But, when God is halfway down the line, the last guy in the line starts laughing. When there are only ten people left, this
guy is rolling on the floor; laughing his head off.

Finally, God reaches this guy and asks him what his wish will be. The guy eventually calms down and says, "Make'em all ugly, again."

[Ringo]

A lady wanted a new dress for a special night out and wanted one low cut. She went along to her local Myer store and sought out an assistant to help her choose.

The assistant bought a little apricot number that she tried on but she didnt think it was low cut enough.

The she found a blue dress with small yellow flowers and tried it on, but alas again not low enough cut.

At last the assistant bought out a small petite white dress with inlaid lace and she tried it on, she was most impressed but still not sure if the cut was low enough she walked out and asked the assistant if she thought it was a low enough cut.

"Is this low enough?" she asked

The assistant responded "Do you have hair on your chest??" to which she replied most emphatically "No!"

"Well" said the assistant "I think its low cut enough then"

[bjr22n_]

High Dollar Hooker

A guy is walking along the strip in Las Vegas and a knockout lady of the evening catches his eye.

He strikes up a conversation and eventually asks the lady of the evening, "How much?"

Lady of the evening replies, "It starts at $500 for manual manipulation."

Guy says, "$500 dollars! For manual manipulation! No manual manipulation is worth that kind of money!"

The lady of the evening says, "Do you see that Denny's on the corner?"

"Yes."

"Do you see the Denny's about a block further down?"

"Yes."

"And beyond that, do you see that third Denny's?"

"Yes."

"Well," says the lady of the evening, smiling invitingly, "I own those.
And, I own them because I give manual manipulation that's worth $500."

Guy says, "What the hell? I'll give it a try."

They retire to a nearby motel.

A short time later, the guy is sitting on the bed realizing that he just experienced the best manual manipulation of a lifetime, worth every bit of $500.

He is so amazed, he says, "I suppose oral manipulation is $1,000?"

The lady of the evening replies, "$1,500."

$1,500? No oral manipulation could be worth that".

The lady of the evening replies, "Step over here to the window, big boy.


Do you see that casino just across the street? I own that casino outright. And I own it because I give oral manipulation that's worth every cent of $1,500."

The guy, basking in the afterglow of that terrific manual manipulation, says, "Sign me up."

Ten minutes later, he is sitting on the bed more amazed than before.

He can't believe it but he feels he truly got his money's worth.

He decides to dip into the retirement savings for one glorious and unforgettable experience.

He asks the lady of the evening, "How much for conventional coupling?"

The lady of the evening says, "Come over here to the window.

Do you see how the whole city of Las Vegas is laid out before us, all those beautiful lights, gambling palaces, and showplaces?"

"Damn!" the guy says, in awe, "You own the whole city?"

"No," the lady of the evening replies, "but I would if I were a female."

[Focussed]

Men strike back!
I'm going to go and hide now!

How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be opened when she brings it.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman? Because a
woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably
never
be able to support you.
--------------------------------------------------------------------
Why do women have smaller feet than men?
It's one of those "evolutionary things" that allows
them to stand closer to the kitchen sink. -----------------------!
--------------------------------------------
How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart? When she
starts a sentence with "A man once told me..."
-------------------------------------------------------------------
How do you fix a woman's watch?
You don't. There is a clock on the oven.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Why do men fart more than women?
Because women can't shut up long enough to
build up the required pressure.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the
front door, who do you let in first? The dog, of course. He'll shut up
once you let him in.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
I married a Miss Right.
I just didn't know her first name was Always.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes
a woman's sex drive by 90%.
It's called a Wedding Cake.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Why do men die before their wives?
They want to.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Women will never be equal to men until they can
walk down the street with a bald head and a beer
gut, and still think they are sexy.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
In the beginning, God created the earth and rested.
Then God created Man and rested.
Then God created Woman.
Since then, neither God nor Man has rested.
-------------------------------------------------------------------

[bjr22n_]

LMAO, you've made my day. LOL

[Falcon_Phill]

hahahaha nice ones, especially the first

[bjr22n_]

John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, between the legs of me wife!"

That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night!

He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the best toast of the night."

She said, "Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?"

John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife."

"Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!" Mary said.

The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the street corner. The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the prize the other night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary."

She said, "Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised meself. You know, he's only been there twice in the last four years. Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come."

[foxtrot]

Originally Posted by bjr22n

John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, between the legs of me wife!"

That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night!

He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the best toast of the night."

She said, "Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?"

John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife."

"Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!" Mary said.

The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the street corner. The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the prize the other night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary."

She said, "Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised meself. You know, he's only been there twice in the last four years. Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come."

OMG LOL hahahaha best joke on the whole thread!!!

[Ringo]

ooooooooohhhhhhh that's good.......i'll have to put forward something a bit different.

WORDS FOR 2006: Essential additions to the workplace vocabulary.

BLAMESTORMING: Sitting around in a group, discussing why a deadline was missed or a project failed, and who was responsible.

SEAGULL MANAGER: A manager, who flies in, makes a lot of noise, craps on everything, and then leaves.

ASSMOSIS: The process by which some people seem to absorb success and advancement by kissing up to the boss rather than working hard.

SALMON DAY: The experience of spending an entire day swimming upstream only to get screwed and die in the end.

CUBE FARM: An office filled with cubicles

PRAIRIE DOGGING: When someone yells or drops something loudly in a Cube Farm, and people's heads pop up over the walls to see what's going on.

MOUSE POTATO: The on-line, wired generation's answer to the couch potato.

SITCOMS: (Single Income, Two Children, Oppressive Mortgage). What yuppies turn into when they have children and one of them stops working to stay home with the kids.

STRESS PUPPY: A person who seems to thrive on being stressed out and whiny.

SWIPEOUT: An ATM or credit card that has been rendered useless because the magnetic strip is worn away from extensive use.

XEROX SUBSIDY: Euphemism for swiping free photocopies from one's workplace.

IRRITAINMENT: Entertainment and media spectacles that are annoying but you find yourself unable to stop watching them. The J-Lo and Ben wedding (or not) was a prime example.

PERCUSSIVE MAINTENANCE: The fine art of whacking the crap out of an electronic device to get it to work again.

ADMINISPHERE: The rarefied organizational layers beginning just above the rank and file. Decisions that fall from the adminisphere are often profoundly inappropriate or irrelevant to the problems they were designed to solve.

404: Someone who's clueless. From the World Wide Web error message "404 Not Found," meaning that the requested document could not be located.

GENERICA: Features of the American landscape that are exactly the same no matter where one is, such as fast food joints, strip malls, and subdivisions.

OHNOSECOND: That miniscule fraction of time in which you realize that you've just made a BIG mistake.

WOOFS: Well-Off Older Folks.

CROP DUSTING: Silently farting while passing through a Cube Farm.


Still to come - Darwin Award Winners for 2005

[luke]

Ignisecond, n.

- The overlapping moment of time while your hand is closing the car door and your brain is thinking "My keys are still in there!"

[bjr22n_]

what's the difference between a FOX and a DOG?


about 8 beers.

[ridefox]

2 bloneds walk into a bar u think the first one would of seen it

[bjr22n_]

Two TV antennas’ meet on top of a roof and decided to get married.
The wedding was crap
But the reception was great.

Thanks to my boss, he wanted this to be posted.

[foxtrot]

Originally Posted by bjr22n

Two TV antennas’ meet on top of a roof and decided to get married.
The wedding was crap
But the reception was great.

Thanks to my boss, he wanted this to be posted.

LOL

Your boss lets you bludge on forums

you luckyyyy bastard!
: : : :thebirds: : :

[gozza]

what do you do if you walk in front of a postman
walk around it man

[lisa76]

Two peanuts were walking through a forest.
One was assaulted.

[Ringo]

And now for something completely different.....Darwin Award Winners for 2005

What I Can Still Do
2005 Darwin Award Nominee
Confirmed True by Darwin
(16 January 2005, Florida) Two North Fort Myers residents, 23-year-old Molly and her husband, had rented a room in a local motel for some unspecified activity, perhaps involving perpetuation of the species. As Molly entered the second-floor room, she went straight for the balcony, which overlooked a concrete patio. Most guests would have seen the railing on the edge of the balcony as a safety feature, but for Molly it brought to mind fond memories of her youthful gymnastic abilities. Molly called out to Todd, "Watch to see what I can still do." These would be her last words. She did a flip onto the railing for a handstand, just the way she used to do, then toppled over the other side, slamming into the patio 15 feet below. She was pronounced dead at the hospital.

Freeway Dangler
2005 Darwin Award Nominee
Confirmed True by Darwin
(31 May 2005, Seattle, Washington) Strength and endurance are two of the most important characteristics that can be passed on to improve the species, so physical challenges between males are frequent. In this case, two drinking buddies found themselves on an overpass 40 feet above a busy freeway in downtown Seattle at 2:45 a.m. It turned out to be the perfect place to determine who had more strength and endurance. Whoever could dangle from the overpass the longest would win!
Unfortunately, the winner was too tired from his victory to climb back up, despite help from his 31-year-old friend. The unidentified champion fell smack into the front of a semi-truck barreling down the highway at 60 mph and bounced onto the pavement, where he was hit by a car. The car did not stop. Authorities did not identify the winner of the competition.

Wales Wins
2005 Darwin Award Nominee
Confirmed True by Darwin
Note: Police reported that Geoff had a history of mental problems, so he may not have been of sound mind at the time. If so, this is regarded as a disqualification for a Darwin Award.
(8 February 2005, Caerphilly, Wales) "If Wales wins, I'll cut my balls off," Geoff told his mates at a social club while watching the rugby match between England and its arch-rival. His friends thought the 26-year-old was joking, but after Wales' 11-9 victory over England, he went home, castrated himself with a knife, and walked the length of two rugby fields back to the bar to show his shocked friends the evidence.
It was Wales's first home win over England in 12 years.
Geoff was taken to a hospital where he remained "in a seriously ill condition."

The Nuisance of Seatbelts
2005 Darwin Award Nominee
Confirmed True by Darwin
(5 January 2005, Nebraska) In September of his senior year at the University of Nebraska, 21-year-old Derek wrote an impassioned declaration of independence from seatbelts for his college newspaper. Although these "intrusive and ridiculous" laws saved 6100 lives a year, according to statistics from the U.S. Congress, Derek concluded with the statement, "If I want to be the jerk that flirts with death, I should be able to do that."
Derek's father said he "was a bright young boy, a 4.0," majoring in five subjects and planning to attend law school. He was also smart enough to tutor his friends in subjects he didn't even take. But good grades don't equate with common sense.
Derek was returning from a holiday in San Antonio, Texas. The driver of the Ford Explorer and his front seat passenger both wore seatbelts. Only Derek was willing to buck the system, sitting without a seatbelt in the back seat, possibly reminding his friends, in the words of his newspaper column, that he belonged to the "die-hard group of non-wearers out there who simply do not wish to buckle up, no matter what the government does."
Around 3 a.m. the SUV hit a patch of ice, slid off Interstate 80, and rolled several times. Derek, in an involuntary display of his freedom from regulation, was thrown from the vehicle. He died at the scene. His friends, slaves to the seatbelt, survived with minor injuries.
Alcohol was not involved in the accident.

Off-Road Driving
2005 Darwin Award Nominee
Confirmed True by Darwin
(6 January 2005, Johannesburg, South Africa) Massive thunderstorms had turned the Braamfontein Spruit into a raging river. It was a little past midnight when police warned Barbara, 33, that a flash flood was inundating the bridge ahead. They urged her not to cross. But Barbara was driving a BMW X3, an off-road vehicle with xDrive all-wheel-drive.
Brochures assured her that the luxury SUV with Sensatec upholstery and an 8-speaker stereo system had "virtually unlimited agility." So Barbara laughed off the police advice, and continued towards the bridge. xDrive all-wheel drive lost its grip as the floodwaters swept her BMW X3 off the bridge. Her body was found later inside the vehicle over a mile down the river.

"Plug Me In"
2005 Darwin Award WINNER
Confirmed True by Darwin
(7 March 2005, Vietnam) Nguyen, 21, had been drinking with friends in Hanoi, when he pulled out an old detonator he had found. It was about six centimeters long and eight centimeters in diameter, with two wires hanging out. Because it was old and rusty, Nguyen said, it couldn't explode. His friends disagreed.
To prove his point, Nguyen put the detonator in his mouth and asked his friend to plug the dangling wires into a 220-volt electrical receptacle.
Turns out Nyugen was wrong!
The victim had little time to reflect on his mistaken, or whether 220 volts alone could have been fatal. According to police, "the explosion blew out his cheeks and smashed all his teeth." He died on the way to the hospital.

Failed Frame-Up
2005 Darwin Award Nominee
Confirmed True by Darwin
(19 March 2005, Michigan) "Unusual" and "complicated" is how the Missaukee County sheriff described the mysterious death of 19-year-old Christopher, who called 911 at 1:22am and calmly informed the police dispatcher that his neighbor had stabbed him. Suddenly he began screaming and begging for help. A woman was heard shouting in the background, "Why did you do this?" Deputies arrived quickly, only to find that Christopher had bled to death from stab wounds to his chest.
After an evening spent imbibing large quantities of alcohol, Christopher noticed a shortage in his liquor supply that could not be attributed to his own depredations. He concluded that his neighbor had stolen a bottle of booze! He menaced said neighbor with a knife, to no avail, whereupon he retired to his own apartment to brood about revenge.
Finally he figured out the perfect way to get back at that conniving bottle-thief: he would stab himself and blame the neighbor!
A witness saw Christopher enter the bathroom while he called police. When he emerged from the bathroom, he looked perfectly fine, but a moment later he began screaming as gouts of blood spewed from his chest. He ran to the door of the apartment, and collapsed.
The evidence pointed to self-inflicted wounds. Deputies found the knife that killed him in the kitchen, and an autopsy concluded that he had stabbed himself in the chest twice. The first wound may not have looked dangerous enough to him, so he took the knife and tried again, this time plunging it into his left ventricle. This wound was plenty dangerous: he had only two minutes to live.
Christopher died in vain. His deathbed accusation fell on deaf ears, as a witness stated that the neighbor was not in the apartment, and the neighbor offered to take a lie-detector test to demonstrate his innocence. All Christopher got for revenge was an accidental death sentence.

Chimney-Cleaning Grenade
2005 Darwin Award Winner
Confirmed True by Darwin
(13 January 2005, Croatia) One fateful afternoon, 55-year-old Marko retreated to his semi-detached workshop to make himself a tool for chimney cleaning. The chimney was too high for a simple broom to work, but if he could attach a brush to a chain and then weigh it down with something, that would do the trick. But what could he use as a weight?
He happened to have the perfect object. It was heavy, yet compact. And best of all, it was made of metal, so he could weld it to the chain. He must have somehow overlooked the fact that it was also a hand grenade and was filled with explosive material.
Marko turned on his welding apparatus and began to create an arc between the chain and the grenade. As the metal heated up, the grenade exploded. The force of the explosion killed poor Marko instantly, blasting shrapnel through the walls of the shed and shattering the windshield of a Mercedes parked outside. Marko's chimney was untouched, however.

Surprise Attack Surprise
2005 Darwin Award Winner
Confirmed True by Darwin
(3 January 2005, St. Maurice, Switzerland) It was the first week of a weapons refresher course, and Swiss Army Grenadier Detachment 20/5 had just finished training with live ammunition. The shooting instructor ordered the soldiers to secure their weapons for a break.
The 24-year-old second lieutenant, in charge of this detachment, decided this would be a good time to demonstrate a knife attack on a soldier. Wielding his bayonet, he leaped toward one of his men, achieving complete surprise.
But earlier that week, the soldiers had been drilled to release the safety catch and ready their guns for firing in the shortest possible time. The surprised soldier, seeing his lieutenant leaping toward him with a knife, snapped off a shot to protect himself from the attack.
The lesson could not have been more successful: the soldier had saved himself and protected the rest of the detachment from a surprise attack. The lieutenant might have wished to commend his soldier on his quick action and accurate marksmanship. Unfortunately, he had been killed with one shot.
And this, kiddies, is why we don't play with knives or guns. Ever. Even if we are trained professionals, and especially if our target is a trained professional.

Playing with Elephants
2005 Darwin Award Nominee
Confirmed True by Darwin
(28 January 2005, Pendang, Thailand) It's no secret that elephants are big. Elephants eat hundreds of pounds of food a day just to maintain their weight. Indian elephants are nine feet tall at the shoulder. They're so powerful that in Southeast Asia, males are used to haul massive tree trunks with their three-foot tusks, work performed by heavy equipment in other countries.
It's also no secret that teasing an animal makes it mad. Teasing a animal that can carry a tree with its tusks may not be a good idea. Yet that was the very idea that formed in Prawat's head, when he saw a herd of five performing elephants chained to trees outside a Buddhist temple.
While the owner waited inside for an entertainment permit, Prawat, a 50-year-old rubber-tapper, offered sugar cane to one of the ever-hungry elephants... then pulled it away. Then he did it again. And again. And again.
The game was great fun for Prawat, but the elephant quickly tired of it. The last time Prawat withdrew the treat, the elephant swung his massive tusks and gored him through the stomach. Prawat died on the way to the hospital.

Rocketing to Glory
2005 Darwin Award Nominee
Confirmed True by Darwin
(07 February 2005, Malaysia) Fireworks are a longstanding lunar New Year's tradition among Malaysia's large Chinese minority and continue to be widely used to celebrate, despite a ban on their sale and use.
Wan, a 29-year-old excavator operator, spent the evening watching people set off fireworks outside a suburban Kuala Lumpur nightclub. These were no mere firecrackers. They were rockets that shot as high as a ten-story building before exploding.
His curiosity piqued, Wan bent over one of the launching tubes for a closer look, wondering how these powerful rockets worked. He was peering down the tube when it fired, sending him flying ten meters. He died instantly from severe head injuries, according to a senior police official.

Mining for Elephants
2005 Darwin Award Nominee
Confirmed True by Darwin
(15 February 2005, Rushinga, Zimbabwe) The elephants were trampling Christian's maize field, which he planted on an elephant trail of long standing. He had to find a way to fight back! Fortunately, there was an old minefield nearby, on the Zimabwe-Mozambique border. Christian figured a few landmines planted around his field would soon teach the elephants a lesson they would never forget.
Christian may have gotten the idea of using the mines from a couple of incidents that had recently transpired. A local resident had been injured after picking up a landmine while herding cattle the week before. A week before that, another Rushinga man had lost part of his leg after stepping on a landmine. The other villagers saw the writing on the wall, and avoided the landmines.
But Christian realized they were just what he needed! Clearly, these mines could cause great damage to an elephant! He dug up five that had been exposed by recent heavy rains, and began carrying them home on foot.
These unstable mines detonated, killing Christian instantly.
Then total number of elephants injured? Zero.

Death Valley Daze
2005 Darwin Award Nominee
Confirmed True by Darwin
(27 July 2005, California) Robert, 35, was eager to hang out with the nudists at the Palm Springs campground, in a part of Death Valley where temperatures reached 136 degrees. The track was rough but passable until he was lured into the Saline Mud Flats by the deceptively dry appearance of its crackled surface, radiating heat in the baking sun. Within a few feet, the wheels of his VW microbus sunk deep into the muck that lay hidden beneath the crust.
Robert was miles from nowhere, surrounded by the bleached skulls of other animals that had become trapped in the mire. But he had plenty of water, so he waited for help to find him on the remote dirt track. After six days, he abandoned the microbus and began walking to a less deserted location where someone was more likely to pass.
Luck was with him! As he was shaking the last drop of water from his bottle, help arrived in the form of 14-year-old British lads from the League of Venturers, who were training in search-and-rescue techniques. "He was crying and completely hysterical. I don't think he expected to last the day," said the unit leader. They gave him a lift to the nearest ranger station, 80 miles away, where he kissed the ground in gratitude.
Robert had cheated death once, but that didn't stop him from tempting fate again.
In nearby Bishop, he found someone to tow the microbus out of the mudflats. Alas, it had two flat tires and other mechanical problems, so he returned to Bishop for automotive supplies. He snagged another ride into Death Valley, this time with a couple who took an unfamiliar route from the north, and dropped him off at a washout in the road about 15 miles from the Palm Springs campground.
His plan was to locate the campground and enlist help fixing his vehicle. He stashed his supplies and began walking. His body was found three days later, without a map, a GPS, or even water. Authorities estimated that he had walked along the road for 10 miles before heading into the open desert, seeking water

Tide Waits for No Man
2005 Darwin Award Nominee
Confirmed True by Darwin
(23 May 2005, Texas) After surf-fishing on Crystal Beach, John was fatigued, but unwilling to call it a night. The full moon threatened to disturbed his nap, so John curled up for forty winks in the darkest place available: underneath his truck, which was parked on the beach.
The next morning, a pickup truck was reported abandoned in the surf off Crystal Beach. A tow truck driver was called in, and had barely moved the pickup a foot, when he found the body of a 37-year-old man embedded in the sand beneath it.
It turned out that the truck was not abandoned, after all. As John slept, time passed and the tide rolled back in. The wet sand shifted shift beneath the truck's weight, and John was trapped beneath it, unable to escape. The beach became his final resting place.

All Wound Up
2005 Darwin Award Nominee
Unconfirmed by Darwin
(28 April 2005, Moscow, Russia) A construction worker drilling the foundation of a parking garage project on Starobitsevskaya Street noticed something shiny stuck to the swiftly rotating auger. He took a closer look but still couldn't identify the shiny object, so he reached down to grab it. Unfortunately, his jacket caught on the auger, winding his hand, his arm, and then his whole body into the apparatus. By the time his fellow workers could shut down the rig, "only the man's legs below the knees remained intact," according to the daily newspaper

Heck on Wheels
2005 Darwin Award Nominee
Confirmed True by Darwin
(17 April 2005, Syracuse, Indiana) Late one night, 26-year-old Joseph was blazing down the road in the Chain O'Lakes district on his Yamaha moped. When he saw flashing lights in his rear-view mirror, well... with the wind whistling through his ears, he apparently concluded that his moped could outrun a police cruiser. This hard-boiled Heck's Angels wannabe revved his engine and roared off.
The speedometer needle flashed past 10--20--30mph, and within a minute, it was in the red zone at a blinding 40 mph. But no matter how fast Joseph went, he was unable to shake the pursuing police officer from his tail! If only he had a spare JATO strapped to his machine.
The two-stroke engine was buzzing like a hummingbird from the strain of the chase. Perhaps he was thinking, "You'll never take me alive, copper!" as he sped through the intersection. Whatever his last thoughts were, Joseph lost control of his would-be road rocket, crashed into a tree, and died instantly.

[Blue Oval Mopar Man]

A woman wakes at 2am to find her husband is not lying beside her ! Then she hears someone crying , so he goes to find out whats going on . After checking the whole house she finds her husband sitting in the corner of his dark garage and very upset !She asks what is wrong as sits and puts her arm around him!
He askes her if she knows what day it is ? She says yes , its their 20th anniversary .
HE says yes and I was remembering our wedding day . The way your father, the judge, told me I had to wed you that day or I would do 20 years for getting you pregnant at your age !

she looks in his eyes and asks is that what is upsetting him after all these years ?

Just before he bursts out crying again he says , YES ! I would have got out today !!!!!!!!!

[Ringo]

Bogan question are has been added to the Bogan forum in the bar - enjoy

http://www.fordforums.com.au/showthread.php?t=35821

[Mudzy]

A guy out on the golf course gets hit in the crotch.
Writhing in agony, he falls to the ground. As soon as he could manage, he took himself to the doctor.
He said "How bad is it doc?...I'm going on my honeymoon next week.
The doctor told him, "I'll have to put your willie in a splint to let it heal and keep it straight. It should be okay next week." He took four tongue depressors and formed a neat little 4 sided splint, and taped it all together; ..an impressive work of art.
The guy mentions none of this to his girl, marries her, and goes on their honeymoon. That night in the motel room, she rips open her blouse to reveal her beautiful breasts. She said, "You're the first; no one has EVER touched these."
He immediately drops his pants and replies,....................... "Look at this,....still in the CRATE!"

[trick_xd]

A woman takes a lover home during the day while her husband is at work.
Her 9-year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them and hides in the
bedroom closet to watch.

The woman's husband also comes home. She puts her lover in the closet, not
realising that the little boy is in there already.

The little boy says, "Dark in here."
The man says, "Yes, it is."
Boy - "I have a baseball."
Man - "That's nice."
Boy - "Want to buy it?"
Man - "No, thanks."
Boy - "My dad's outside."
Man - "OK, how much?"
Boy - "$250"

In a few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover are
in the closet together.

Boy - "Dark in here."
Man - "Yes, it is."
Boy - "I have a baseball glove."
The lover, remembering the last time, asks the boy,
"How much?"
Boy - "$750"
Man - "Sold."

A few days later, the father says to the boy,
"Grab your glove let's go outside and have a game of catch."
The boy says, "I can't, I sold my baseball and my glove."
The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?"
Boy -"$1,000."
The father says, "That's terrible to overcharge your friends
like that .... that is way more than those two things cost.
I'm going to take you to church and make you confess."

They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit
in the confession booth and he closes the door.
The boy says, "Dark in here."
The priest says, "Don't start that **** again, you're in my closet now