What's your best/worst joke?

[bindi]

Originally Posted by trick_xd

Daughter: "Nice grouping, Dad! Were those the Winchester Silver Tips?"

Bwahahahahahaha!!! I fell off my chair

These are gold mate, keep em coming!

[Stevo]

A nose and a set of jumper leads walk into the bar. The nose goes up to order a few drinks, and the bartender refuses him service.
The nose says, "What, what have i done wrong? i just want a few drinks"

Bartender says "Im not serving you because your off your face, and your mate looks like he is about to start something"

Probably mark that down as a bad joke. ahha

[Olympus]

Originally Posted by Stevo

A nose and a set of jumper leads walk into the bar. The nose goes up to order a few drinks, and the bartender refuses him service.
The nose says, "What, what have i done wrong? i just want a few drinks"

Bartender says "Im not serving you because your off your face, and your mate looks like he is about to start something"

Ha ! this is how I know the joke.

A bra and a set of jumper leads walk into the bar. The bra goes up to order a few drinks, and the bartender refuses him service.
The bra says, "What, what have i done wrong? i just want a few drinks"

Bartender says "Im not serving you because your already off your tits, and your mate looks like he is about to start something"

[trick_xd]

On their wedding night, the young bride approached her new husband and asked for $20.00 for their first lovemaking encounter. In his highly aroused state her husband readily agreed. This scenario was repeated each time they made love, for the next 30 years, with him thinking that it was a cute way for her to afford new clothes and other incidentals that she needed.


Arriving home around noon one day, she was surprised to find her husband in a very drunken state. During the next few minutes, he explained that his employer was going through a process of corporate downsizing, and he had been let go. It was unlikely that at the age of 55, he'd be able to find another position that paid anywhere near what he'd been earning, and therefore they were financially ruined.


Calmly, his wife handed him a bank book which showed thirty years of deposits and interest totaling nearly $1 million. Then, she showed him certificates of deposits issued by the bank which were worth over $2 million, and informed him that they were one of the largest depositors in the bank. She explained that for the 30 years she had charged him for sex, these holdings had multiplied and these were the results of her savings and investments.


Faced with evidence of cash and investments worth over $ 3 million, her husband was so astounded he could barely speak, but finally he found his voice and blurted out "If I'd had any idea what you were doing, I would have given you all my business !"

[trick_xd]

Test for Dementia

Below are four (4) questions and a bonus question. You have to answer them instantly. You can't take your time, answer all of them immediately. OK?

Let's find out just how clever you really are.

Ready? GO!!! (scroll down)

First Question:


You are participating in a race. You overtake the second person. What position are you in?

Answer: If you answered that you are first, then you are absolutely wrong!
If you overtake the second person and you take his place, you are second!

Try not to screw up in the next question.


To answer the second question, don't take as much time as you took for the first question.




Second Question:


If you overtake the last person, then you are...?






Answer: If you answered that you are second to last, then you are wrong again. Tell me, how can you overtake the LAST Person?



You're not very good at this! Are you?






Third Question:


Very tricky math! Note: This must be done in your head only.


Do N OT use paper and pencil or a calculator. Try it.



Take 1000 and add 40 to it. Now add another 1000. Now add 30. Add another 1000. Now add 20. Now add another 1000 Now add 10.
What is the total?




Scroll down for answer.


Did you get 5000?


The correct answer is actually 4100.


Don't believe it? Check with your calculator! Today is definitely not your day. Maybe you will get the last question right?


Fourth Question:


Mary's father has five daughters: 1. Nana, 2. Nene, 3. Nini, 4. Nono. What is the name of the fifth daughter?



Answer: Nunu?


NO! Of course not.

Her name is Mary. Read the question again



Okay, now the bonus round:


There is a mute person who wants to buy a toothbrush. By imitating the action of brushing one's teeth he successfully expresses himself to the shopkeeper and the purchase is done.


Now if there is a blind man who wishes to buy a pair of sunglasses, how should he express himself?






He just has to open his mouth and ask, so simple.




KEEP THIS GOING TO FRUSTRATE THE

SMART PEOPLE IN YOUR LIFE!

[trick_xd]

On a recent flight, a plane passes through a severe storm. The
turbulence is awful, and things go from bad to worse when one wing is struck by lightning.

One woman in particular loses it. Screaming, she stands up at the
front of the plane. "I'm too young to die," she wails. Then she
yells, "Well, if I'm going to die, I want my last minutes on earth
to be memorable!

Is there ANYONE on this plane who can make me feel like a WOMAN?"

For a moment there is silence.
Everyone has forgotten their own peril.
They all stared, riveted, at the desperate woman at the front of
the plane. Then a Aussie stands up at the rear of the plane. He
is gorgeous: tall, well built, with dark brown hair and hazel eyes.
He starts to walk slowly up the aisle, unbuttoning his shirt.....


one button at a time. .


No one moves. ..


He removes his shirt. .....


Muscles ripple across his chest. ......


She gasps.........


He whispers: .









"Iron this, and get me something to eat...."

[FordFan86]

LOL!!!!!!!!! that is hilarious.

[chelvdog]

Two of the worst......

A seal walks into a club.....

&

Q: How many ears does Captain Kirk have?

A: 3, a left ear, a right ear and a final front ear (frontier)

[RspecAU]

A man walked into a supermarket with his zipper down, and his fly wide open.
A lady cashier walked up to him and said, "Your barracks door is open." This is not a phrase men normally use, so he went on his way looking a bit puzzled. When he was about done shopping, a man came up and said, "Your fly is open."

He zipped up and finished his shopping, and remembering what the cashier had told him, finally understood. He then intentionally got in the line to check out where the lady was that told him about his "barracks door."

He was planning to have a little fun with her. When he reached her counter he said, "When you saw my barracks door open did you see a soldier standing in there at attention?" The lady thought for a moment and said, "No, no I didn't. All I saw was a disabled veteran sitting on two duffel bags.

[trick_xd]

A man in a hot air balloon realised he was lost. He reduced altitude and
spotted a woman below. He descended a bit more and shouted, "Excuse me,
can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but
I don't know where I am."

The woman below replied, "You're in a hot air balloon hovering
approximately 30 feet above the ground. You're between 40 and 41 degrees
north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude."

"You must be in Information Technology," said the balloonist.

"I am," replied the woman, "How did you know?"

"Well," answered the balloonist,"everything you told me is technically
correct, but I've no idea what to make of your information, and the
fact is I'm still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help at all. If
anything, you've delayed my trip."

The woman below responded, "You must be in Management."

"I am," replied the balloonist, "but how did you know?"

"Well," said the woman, "you don't know where you are or where you're
going. You have risen to where you are, due to a large quantity of hot
air.You made a promise, which you've no idea how to keep, and you expect
people beneath you to solve your problems. The fact is you are in
exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow,
it's my fault."

[RSgerry]

the flying baby joke is one of the best i have ever heard. so very, very wrong. yet i couldnt stop laughing. i shouldnt have sent it to a few people at work though...some IT people have no sense of humour.

[FPV 41T]

A certain little girl, when asked her name, would reply, "I'm Mr. Sugarbrown's daughter."
Her mother told her this was wrong, she must say, " I'm Jane Sugarbrown."
The Vicar spoke to her in Sunday School, and said, "Aren't you Mr. Sugarbrown's daughter?"
She replied,"I thought I was, but mother says I'm not."

[FPV 41T]

A little girl asked her mother,"Can I go outside and play with the boys?"
Her mother replied,"No, you can't play with the boys,they're too rough."
The little girl thought about it for a few moments and asked,"If i can find a smooth one,can i play with him?"

[FPV 41T]

A little girl goes to the barber shop with her father.She stands next to the barber chair,while her dad gets his hair cut, eating a snack cake.
The barber says to her,"Sweetheart,your gonna get hair on your Twinkie."
She says,"Yes, I know, and I'm gonna get boobs too."

[Charliewool]

Larry La Prise who wote the "Hokey Pokie" died last week aged 93. The worst part was getting him in the coffin... They put his left leg in, then the trouble started......

[bindi]

As some of you might know it is said that a car is referred to as "She" and classified as female? Perhaps, we can all believe everything in this world actually does have a gender.

Here are some for you guys to consider:

ZIPLOC BAGS are male, because they hold everything in, but you can always see right through them.

SHOES are male, because they are usually unpolished, with their tongues hanging out.

PHOTOCOPIERS are female, because once turned off, they take a while to warm up.

TYRES are male, because they go bald and are often over-inflated.

HOT AIR BALLOONS are male, because to get them to go anywhere you have to light a fire under them and, of course, there's the hot air part.

SPONGES are female, because! they are soft, squeezable and retain water.

THE SUBWAY is male, because it uses the same old lines to pick people up.

AN HOURGLASS is female, because over time, the weight shifts to the bottom.

HAMMERS are male, because they haven't evolved much over the last 5,000 years, but they are handy to have around.

A REMOTE CONTROL is female ... Ha! You thought I'd say "male". But consider this: it gives men pleasure, they'd be lost without it, and while they don't always know the right buttons to push, they keep on trying.

[FPV 41T]

Cinderella wants to go to the ball, but her wicked stepmother wont let her.
As Cinderella sits crying in the garden,her fairy godmother appears, and promises to provide cinderella with everything she needs to go to the ball,but only on two conditions.
"First you must wear a diaphragm."
Cinderella agrees."Whats the second condition?"
"You must be home by 2 a.m. Any later,and your diaphragm will turn into pumpkin."
Cinderella agrees to be home by 2 am. The appointed hour comes and goes,and Cinderella doesnt show up.
Finally at 5am Cinderella shows up,looking love struck and VERY satisfied.
"Where have you been?"demands the fairy godmother.
"Your diaphragm was supposed to turn into pumpkin three hours ago!!!"
"I met a prince,fairy godmother.He took care of everything!"
"I know of no prince with that kind of power! tell me his name"
"I cant remember, exactly...Peter, Peter, something or other..."

[Kapn_Kiwi]

Originally Posted by bindi

THE SUBWAY is male, because it uses the same old lines to pick people up.

I disagree, it's female. When your one's late, you could be in a whole world of trouble.

[FPV 41T]

Pinocchio had a human girlfriend who would sometimes complain about splinters when they were having sex.
Pinnochio, therefore, went to visit Gepetto to see if he could help.
Gepetto suggested he try a little sandpaper wherever she indicated and Pinocchio skipped away enlightened.
A couple of weeks later, Gepetto saw Pinocchio bouncing happily through town and asked him.
"Hows the girlfriend?" Pinocchio replied,
"who needs a girlfriend?"

[FPV 41T]

Little red riding hood was walking through the woods when suddenly the big bad wolf jumped out from behind a tree, holding a sword to her throat, and said "red, i am going to screw your brains out!"
To that, little red riding hood calmly reached into her picnic basket and pulled out a 44 magnum and pointed it at him and said "No your not. Your going to eat me, just like the book says!"

[FPV 41T]

any one offended by bad language better not read this one












Mickey Mouse and Minnie Mouse were in divorce court and the judge said to Mickey
" You say here that your wife is crazy." Mickey replied,
" I didnt say she was crazy, I said she's f**king Goofy

[FPV 41T]

Snow White saw Pinocchio walking through the woods so she ran up behind him, knocked him flat on his back, and than sat on his face crying, "Lie to me! Lie to me!"

[FPV 41T]

Did you know.... Captain Hook died from jock itch.

[FPV 41T]

One day Jane met Tarzan in the jungle. She was very attracted to him and during her questions about his life she asked him how he managed for sex.
"Whats that?" he asked. She explained to him what sex was and he said,
"Oh, I use a hole in the trunk of a tree." Horrified, she said, "Tarzan you have it all wrong but i will show you how to do it properly."
She took off her clothes, lay down on the ground, and spread her legs wide.
"Here," she said," You must put it in here." Tarzan removed his loincloth, stepped closer and than gave her an almighty kick in the crotch. Jane rolled around in agony. Eventually she managed to gasp,"What the hell did you do that for?"
"Just ckecking for bees" said Tarzan

[trick_xd]

This guy was lonely and so he decided life would be more fun if he had a
pet.

So he went to the pet store and told the owner that he wanted to buy
an unusual pet.

After some discussion, he finally bought a centipede
(100-legged bug) , which came in a little white box.

He took the box back home, found a good location for the box, and
decided he would start off by taking his new pet to the bar to have a drink.

So he asked the centipede in the box, "Would you like to go to Frank's with
me
and have a beer?"

But there was no answer from his new pet.

This bothered him a bit, but he waited a few minutes and then asked
him again,

"How about going to the bar and having a drink with me?"
But again, there was no answer from his new friend and pet.

So he waited a few minutes more, thinking about the situation.

He decided to ask him one more time;
this time putting his face up against the centipede's house and shouted,
"Hey, in there! Would you like to go to Frank's place and have a drink with
me?


Scroll down!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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>YOU ARE GOING TO LOVE THIS!
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A little voice came out of the box:



"I heard you the first time! I'm putting on

my f*cking shoes!!!"

[trick_xd]

A little old lady answered a knock on the door one day, only to be
confronted by a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner.

"Good morning," said the young man. "If I could take a couple minutes of
your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered
vacuum cleaners."

"Go away!" said the old lady. "I haven't got any money" and she tried to
close the door. Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door
and pushed it wide open.

"Don't be too hasty!" he said. "Not until you have at least seen my
demonstration." And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse shit all over
her hallway carpet.

"If this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this horse shit from
your carpet, Madam, I will personally eat the remainder."

"Well," she said, "I hope your hungry, because the electricity was cut off
this morning."

[trick_xd]

Antonio came home from school one day and walked into the kitchen. His
grandma asked him, "Antonio, what'd you learn in school today?"

Antonio replied, "Well, we learned about penises, and vaginas, and
sexual intercourse, and masturbation..."

Grandma hauled off and slapped Antonio, hard. He ran up to his room,
crying. Antonio's mother walked in and cried, "Grandma! Why did you go
and hit Antonio!?"

Grandma replied, "Well, I asked him what he learned in school today. He
started talking about sex, and penises, and masturbation!"

Antonio's mother said, "Grandma - that's what they do learn. It's
called sex education!"

Well, Grandma felt so bad about hitting Antonio that she went upstairs
to apologize. She opened his door and found him masturbating on his bed.
She then said, "Antonio, when you're finished with your homework, come
down and talk to me."

[Charliewool]

A police officer pulls over a speeding car. The officer says, I clocked
> you at 80 miles per hour, sir."
>
>
> The driver says, "Gee, officer I had it on cruise control at 60,
> perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating."
>
>
> Not looking up from her knitting the wife says: "Now don't be silly
> dear, you know that this car doesn't have cruise control."
>
> As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks over at his
wife
> and growls, "Can't you please keep your mouth shut for once?"
>
>
> The wife smiles demurely and says, "You should be thankful your radar
> detector went off when it did."
>
> As the officer makes out the second ticket for the illegal radar
> detector unit, the man glowers at his wife and says through clenched
> teeth, "Darn it, woman, can't you keep your mouth shut?"
>
> The officer frowns and says, "And I notice that you're not wearing
your
> seat belt, sir. That's an automatic $75 fine." The driver says,
"Yeah,
> well, you see officer, I had it on, but took it off when you pulled me
> over so that I could get my license out of my back pocket."
>
>
> The wife says, "Now, dear, you know very well that you didn't have
your
> seat belt on. You never wear your seat belt when you're driving."
>
> And as the police officer is writing out the third ticket the driver
> turns to his wife and barks, "WHY DON'T YOU PLEASE SHUT UP??"
>
>
> The officer looks over at the woman and asks, "Does your husband
always
> talk to you this way, Ma'am?"
>
> I love this part....
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
> "Only when he's been drinking."

[Marlin_Girl]

hahaha!
lol
good punch line

[zopper]

Q:Why does Micheal Jackson like 28 year olds?


A: Coz there's 20 of 'em