What's your best/worst joke?

[oldsoftboss]

Just a few to get things started.....

How does it change many dyslexics to take a light bulb?
=================

2am. The phone rings and Marie answers and listens a moment. She then replies: "How should I know? That's 200 miles away from here! Try the weather service." Then she hangs up.

Her husband asks: "Who was that?"

Marie replies: "Wrong number. It was some woman wanting to know if the coast was clear!"
===========

Man walks into the doctor's.

Man:
" Doctor I think I'm a moth"

Doctor:
"You don't need me - you should've gone to a psychiatrist."

Man:
"I know but your light was on"
===========

Man goes into Docs and says

"Doc, I think I'm a pair of curtains"

Doc says "Pull yourself together"
===========

This bloke with Tourette's Syndrome walks into the most exclusive restaurant in town.
'Where's the p*ssing, mother fu*kin manager, you c*cksucking arsewipe?' he inquires of one of the waiters.
The waiter is taken-aback and replies, 'Excuse me sir but could you please refrain from using that sort of language in here. I will get the manager as soon as I can'
The manager comes over and the bloke asks, 'Are you the chicken-fu*kin manager of this b*stard place?'
'Yes sir I am,' replies the manager,'but I would prefer it if you could refrain from speaking such profanities in this, a private restaurant'.
'Fu*k off' replies the bloke 'and where's the fu*kin piano?'
'Pardon?' say's the manager.
'Fu*kin deaf as well, are we? You sniveling little piece of sh*t, show me your b*stard piano' 'Ah,' replies the manager,'you've come about the pianists job' and shows the bloke to the piano. 'Can you play any blues?'
'Of course I can,' and the bloke proceeds to play the most inspiring and beautiful sounding honky-tonk blues that the manager has ever heard.
'That's superb. What's it called?'
'I tried to shag your missus on the sofa but the springs kept hurting my d*ck,' replies the bloke. The manager is a bit disturbed and asks if the bloke knows any jazz. The bloke proceeds, playing the most melancholy jazz solo the manager has ever heard.
'Magnificent.' Cries the manager. 'What's it called?'
'I wanted a **** over the washing machine but I got my balls caught in the soap drawer.'
The manager is a tad embarrassed and asks if he knows any romantic ballads. The bloke then plays the most heartbreaking melody the manager has ever heard,
'And what's this called?' asks the manager.
'As I fu*k you under the stars with the moonlight shining off your hairy ring-piece,' replies the bloke.
The manager is highly upset by the bloke's language but offers him the job on condition that he does not introduce any of his songs or talks to any of the customers. This arrangement works well for a couple of months until one night, sitting opposite him, is the most gorgeous blonde he has ever laid eyes on. She is wearing an almost see through dress, her breasts are almost falling out of the top of her black lace bra, and the skimpy little 'G' string she's wearing is doing very little to conceal her ample charms. She's sitting there with her legs slightly open, sucking suggestively on asparagus shoots as the butter is dripping down her chin.
The image is too much for the bloke and he scurries off to the Gents to furiously masturbate. He's tugging away furiously when he hears the manager's voice. 'Where's that b*stard pianist?' He just has time to relieve himself, and in a fluster he runs back to the piano having not bothered to adjust himself properly, sits down and starts some more tunes.
The blonde steps up and walks over to the piano, leans over and whispers in his ear,' Do you know your knob and bollocks are hanging out of your trousers and dripping semen on your shoes?'
The bloke replies. 'Know it? I fu*kin wrote it.'

Dave

[oldsoftboss]

John had a terrible accident which mangled his private parts, requiring they be removed. His spirit was broken.

His doctor told him: "John, all is not lost. I can make you better than before. It is possible for us to replace your lost member with a prostetic. However, the procedure is considered cosmetic and would not be paid by your insurance.

The hope of regaining his manly prowess lifted John's heart to ask: "How much would it cost?"

His doctor explained: "You can get the 4 inch model for $6,000.00 (John's frown quickly faded); or the 6 incher for $7,500.00 (John began to smile); or you may have the 9 inch version for $10,000.00." (John grinned as his eyes widened with anticipation)

"But normally I insist that the decision be made only after you've consulted with your wife"

John happily agreed, and set off for home.

Upon his next return, the doctor asked for his decision. John hung his head sadly, replying: "She said for that kind of money, she'd rather remodel the kitchen."

[oldsoftboss]

Here is another in my top 5.

Dave was bragging to his boss one day. "You know I know everyone there is to know.
Just name someone, anyone and I know them." Tired of his boasting his boss called his bluff. "Alright Dave how about Tom Cruise?"
"No drama's boss, Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it." So Dave and his boss fly out to
Hollywood and knock on Tom Cruise's door and Tom Cruise shouts "Dave, what's happening? Great to
see you, come on in for a beer."
Although impressed, Dave's boss is still skeptical. After they leave Cruise's house, he tells Dave that he
thinks him knowing Cruise was just lucky. "No, no, just name anyone else." Dave says. "President Bush"
his boss quickly retorts. "Yes." Dave says: "Old buddies, let's fly out to Washington." And off they go.
At the White House, Bush spots Dave on the tour and motions him and his boss over saying, "Dave, what
a surprise was just on my way to a meeting, but you and your friend come on in and let's have a cup of
coffee first and catch up." Well, the boss is very shaken by now but still not totally convinced.
After they leave the White House grounds he expresses his doubts to Dave, who again implores him to
name anyone else. "The Pope!" his boss replies. "Sure!" says Dave, "My folks are from Poland, and I've
known the Pope a long time." So off they fly to Rome. Dave and his boss are assembled with the masses
in Vatican Square when Dave says. "This will never work. I can't catch the Pope's eye among all these
people. Tell you what, I know all the guards so let me just go upstairs and I'll come out on the balcony
with the Pope." And he disappears into the crowd headed toward the Vatican. Sure enough, half an hour
later Dave emerges with the Pope on the balcony but by the time Dave returns, he finds that his boss has
had a heart attack and is surrounded by paramedics. Working his way to his boss' side,
Dave asks him, "What happened?" His boss looks up and says, "I was doing fine until you and the Pope
came out on the balcony and the man next to me said, Who the f*ck is that on the balcony with Dave?"

[bindi]

You asked.

Joke 1.
Two fish in a tank.
One says to the other,
You drive, I'll man the guns!"

Joke 2.

A woman goes into K-Mart and tells the sales assistant she wants a refund for the toaster she bought because it doesn't work. The sales assistant tells her that he can't give her a refund because she bought it on special. All of a sudden, the woman throws her arms up in the air and starts screaming "GRAB MY BREASTS! GRAB MY BREASTS!"

The man, not knowing what to do, runs to get the store manager. The manager comes up to the woman and asks, "What's wrong?" She explains the situation with the toaster. He tells her that he can't give her a refund because she bought it on special.

Once again, the woman throws her arms up in the air and starts screaming, "GRAB MY BREASTS! GRAB MY BREASTS!" In shock, the store manager pleads, "Ma'am, why are you saying that?"

In a huff, the woman yells, "BECAUSE, I LIKE TO HAVE MY BREASTS GRABBED WHEN I'M GETTING SCREWED!"

Joke 3 - my all time favourite.

A man walked into his house with a duck under his arm and said "this is the pig I've been shagging".

His wife said "that's not a pig it's a duck!"

Man says "I was talking to the duck!"

[oldsoftboss]

Here's another:

A man brought a very limp dog into the veterinary clinic. As he lay the dog on the table, the doctor pulled out his stethoscope, placing the receptor on the dog's chest. After a moment or two, the vet shook his head sadly and said, "I'm sorry, but your dog has passed away."

"What?" screamed the man. "How can you tell? You haven't done any testing on him or anything. I want another opinion!"

With that, the vet turned and left the room. In a few moments, he returned with a Labrador Retriever. The Retriever went right to work, checking the poor dead dog out thoroughly with his nose. After a considerable amount of sniffing, the Retriever sadly shook his head and said, "Bark" (meaning "dead as a doornail").

The veterinarian then took the Labrador out and returned in a few moments with a cat, who also carefully sniffed out the poor dog on the table. As had his predecessor, the cat sadly shook his head and said, "Meow" (meaning "he's history"). He then jumped off the table and ran out of the room.

The veterinarian handed the man a bill for $600. The dog's owner went berserk. "$600! Just to tell me my dog is dead? This is outrageous!"


The vet shook his head sadly and explained. "If you had taken my word for it, the charge would have been $50, but with the Lab work and the cat scan..........."
__________________

[bindi]

Oh I forgot this one:

Definition of "Bravery"

"Bravery" is . . . arriving home late after a boozy night out, being confronted by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to ask:

"Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?"

[bindi]

And the last one, probably the worst but friggin hilarious:

An ugly man walks into his local pub with a big grin on his face.

"What are you so happy about?" Asks the barman.

"Well, I'll tell you," replies the ugly man. "You know, I live by the railway. Well, on my way home last night, I noticed a young woman tied to the tracks, like in the movies. I, of course, went and cut her free and took her back to my place. Anyway, to make a long story short, I scored big time! We made love all night, all over the house. We did everything, me on top, sometimes her on top, every position imaginable!"

"Fantastic!" exclaimed the barman. "You lucky bastard....was she pretty??"

"Dunno...Never found the head!"

[Franky]

these are pretty funny

A little kid walks into a city bus and sits right behind the driver and starts yelling, ''If my dad was a bull and my mom a cow I'd be a little bull.''
The driver starts getting mad at the noisy kid, who continues with, ''If my dad was an elephant and my mom a girl elephant I would be a little elephant.''
The kid goes on with several animals until the bus driver gets angry and yells at the kid, ''What if your dad was a drunk and your mom was a prostitute?!''

The kid smiles and says, ''I would be a bus driver!''

================================================== =======

An 18 year-old girl tells her Mum that she has missed her period for two months. Very worried, the mother goes to the Chemist and buys a pregnancy kit. The test result shows that the girl is pregnant.
Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says, "Who was the pig that did this to you? I want to know!" The girl picks up the phone and makes a call.
Half an hour later a Ferrari stops in front of their house; a mature and distinguished man with grey hair and impeccably dressed in an Armani suit steps out of the Ferrari and enters the house.
He sits in the living room with the father and the mother, and the girl and tells
them: "Good morning, your daughter has informed me of the problem. I can't marry her because of my personal family situation but I'll take charge.
I will pay all costs and provide for your daughter for the rest of her life.
Additionally, if a girl is born I will bequeath her 2 retail stores, a townhouse, a beachfront villa and a $2,000,000 bank account.
If a boy is born, my legacy will be a couple of factories and a $4,000,000 bank account.
If twins, they will receive a factory and $2,000,000 each.
However, if there is a miscarriage, what do you suggest I do?"

At this point, the girls father, who had remained silent, places a hand firmly on the man's shoulder and tells him,

"You shag her again."

[Thornie]

a kiwi get pulled over for DUI he falls out of his car and the copper says to him "you so drunk you couldnt even make a u-turn" the kiwi replies "i know but i can make her eyes bulge"

[Steffo]

I dunno if this one is good or bad or what, but I think its funny.....

Four old mates go to a Golf course to catch up with each other and play a game of Golf. So one of them goes off to pay, and the other three go to the tee to wait for him and start having a chat.

So they're talking and the conversation happens to turn towards their sons. So the first guy gets asked what his son does and he replis,
"My son's doing quite well actually. He owns a BMW dealership. In fact, the other day, he gave one of his best mate's a brand new top of the line BMW for free."

The other two guys are impressed and reply accordingly with "Phwoah, not bad" etc. So the next guy gets asked what his son does,
"My son's in the real estate business. He's not doing too bad. In fact, the other day, he gave his best friend a waterfront property for free."

Yet again, the other guys are impressed. So the third guy gets asked what his son does,
"My son's in the stockmarket. He does quite well. Just the other day he gave one of his buddies a portfolio of shares worth $100,000 just like that."

At this point, the fourth guy returns from paying for the game, and they all ask him what his son does and he replies,
"Well. My son is Gay and he's a dancer, I'm not too happy about that,"

They all snicker, but he continues,
"He tells me he's a giver and not a taker, I don't know how that's supposed to make me feel. But he's got some good clients. Just the other day one of them gave him a brand new top line BMW, the other a free waterfront property, and he also got a $100,000 portfolio of shares..."

The other three guys' jaws drop.......

:

[Psycho Chicken]

What do you call a Greek necrophiliac?

Con Didakarcis.

[oldsoftboss]

Subject: Ferrari

It has just been announced that the Ferrari Formula 1 Team fired their entire Pit Crew yesterday. The action followed Ferrari's decision to take advantage of the British Government's 'Work For the Dole' Scheme and hire unemployed youths from Liverpool.

The decision was brought on by a recent documentary on how unemployed Scousers were able to remove a set of car wheels in less than 6 seconds, without proper equipment, whereas Ferrari's existing crew can only do it in 8 seconds with millions of pounds worth of high-tech gear.

A bold move by Ferrari management, as most F1 races are won and lost in the pits. However, Ferrari are seen to now have a massive advantage over every other F1 team.

Ferrari got more than they bargained for, however, during the Scouse
Crew's first practice session.
Not only were they able to change the tyres in under 6 seconds but within 12 seconds they had also resprayed, rebadged and sold the vehicle to the McLaren Team for four dozen cans of Special Brew,a gram of Coke and a quick shufty at Coulthard's bird in the shower.

[oldsoftboss]

A guy with a black eye boards his plane and sits down in his seat.
He notices immediately that the guy next to him has a black eye, too.
He says to him, "Hey this is a coincidence, we both have black eyes;
mind if I ask how you got yours?" The other guy says, "Well, it just
happened.
It was a tongue twister accident.
See, I was at the ticket counter and this gorgeous blonde with the most massive breasts in the world was there. So, instead of saying,
I'd like two tickets to Pittsburgh,' I accidentally said
"I'd like two pickets to Tittsburgh"........... So she socked me a good one.
The first guy replied, "Wow! This is unbelievable.
Mine was a tongue twister too. I was at the breakfast table this morning and I wanted to say to my wife,
"Please pour me a bowl of Frosties, honey."
But I accidentally said, 'you ruined my life you evil fat slag'

[oldsoftboss]

Seen this one recently:

What do clouds and women have in common?

After they f*ck off it turns into a beautiful day!

(Highlight to see answer)

Dave

[oldsoftboss]

Man walks into a psychiatrists office wraped in cling film with nothing underneath and the psychiatrist says:
"Ahh, I can clearly see your nuts"

[oldsoftboss]

Ever wondered what your boss puts on your performance appraisal?

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

These are actual quotes taken from job performance reviews:

1. I would not allow this employee to breed.

2. This associate is really not so much of a has-been, but more definitely a won't be.

3. Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap.

4. When she opens her mouth, it seems it is only to change whichever foot was previously there.

5. He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle.

6. This young lady has delusions of adequacy.

7. He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them.

8. This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.

9. This employee should go far and the sooner he starts, the better.

10. Not the sharpest knife in the drawer.

11. Got into the gene pool when the lifeguard wasn't watching.

12. A room temperature IQ.

13. Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thingy to hold it together.

14. A gross ignoramus - 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus.

15. A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on.

16. A prime candidate for natural deselection.

17. Bright as Alaska in December.

18. One-celled organisms outscore him in IQ tests.

19. Donated his brain to science before he was done using it.

20. Fell out of the family tree.

21. Gates are down, lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming.

22. Has two brains: one is lost; the other is out looking for it.

23. He's so dense, light bends around him.

24. If brains were taxed, she'd get a refund.

25. If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week.

26. If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you'll get change.

27. If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean.

28. It's hard to believe he beat out 1,000,000 other sperm.

29. One neurone short of a synapse.

30. Some drink from the fountain of knowledge, he only gargled.

31. Takes him an hour and a half to watch 60 Minutes.

32. Wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead.

33. Since my last report, this employee has reached rock bottom and has started to dig.

34. His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of morbid curiosity.

[Thornie]

bahahhaa there gold lol i rekon i might have to them on some performance reveiws at work lol

[RspecAU]

Three college girls were waiting in line at the doctor's office to have
their yearly checkup. The doctor stuck his head out the door and called
"NEXT!"

The first girl went in and the doctor asked her to remove her shirt.
The girl did so and the doctor saw an 'H' mark on her chest. The doctor
looked at her and asked "Why is there an 'H' on your chest?"

The girl replied "Well, my boyfriend goes to Harvard and he never
removes his sweater. He always has it on, even when we are making
love."

The doctor shrugged and left it at that. After a while, the doctor
called again, "NEXT!"

The second girl came in and removed her shirt. The doctor this time saw
a 'Y' on her chest. He asked "Why do you have a 'Y' on your chest?"

The girl replied, "Because my boyfriend goes to Yale and he keeps his
jersey on all the time, ... even when we are having sex."

After a while, the doctor called in the last girl. The girl removed her
shirt. The doctor saw an 'M' on her chest this time and said, "Let me
guess, your boyfriend goes to Michigan."

The girl looked at him funny and said, "Uh ... no, ... But my
girlfriend goes to Wisconsin."

[Envious]

lol, some friggin funny jokes...

RspecAU, ur sig, isnt it supposed to be 'Trying is the first step towards FAILURE' ?

[oldsoftboss]

Qantas

After every Qantas Airlines flight, pilots complete a gripe sheet which conveys to the mechanics problems encountered with the aircraft during the flight that need repair or correction.

The form used is a piece of paper on which the pilot completes the top part listing the problem, which the mechanics read and then respond in writing on the lower half of the form what remedial action was taken, so the pilot on the plane's next flight can review the form before taking off.

Never let it be said that ground crews and engineers lack a sense of humor. Here are some actual logged maintenance complaints and responses with P = the problem logged by the pilot, S = the solution and action taken by engineers.

Qantas, by the way, is the only major airline that has never had an accident.

P: Left inside main tyre almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tyre.

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.

P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.

P: Autopilot in altitude -hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what they're there for.

P: IFF inoperative.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.

P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right and be serious.

P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.

[RspecAU]

A business man got on an elevator in a building. When he entered the elevator, there was a blondee already inside and she greeted him by saying, "T-G-I-F" (letters only).

He smiled at her and replied, "S-H-I-T" (letters only)."

She looked at him, puzzled, and said, "T-G-I-F" again.

He acknowledged her remark again by answering, "S-H-I-T."

The blonde was trying to be friendly, so she smiled her biggest smile and said as sweetly as possibly "T-G-I-F" another time.

The man smiled back to her and once again replied with a quizzical expression, "S-H-I-T."

The blonde finally decided to explain things, and this time she said, "T-G-I-F, Thank Goodness It's Friday, get it?"

The man answered, "Sorry, Honey, It's Thursday."

[RspecAU]

Originally Posted by Envious

lol, some friggin funny jokes...

RspecAU, ur sig, isnt it supposed to be 'Trying is the first step towards FAILURE' ?

Thought someone would of pick that up a long time ago...I did

[donno]

Some of the worst:

What's big, yellow and can't swim?

A bulldozer
---------------------------------
What's big, green, and if it falls on you, it will kill you?

A tennis court

[Psycho Chicken]

Well if we wanna go that way....

Why did the plane crash?

The pilot was a loaf of bread.


What's brown and green, has 6 legs and will kill you if it falls on you?

A pool table.


Why did the kid fall off the bike?

Someone threw a fridge at him.

[danege]

Whats the best thing about 24 year olds?

...


Theres 20 of them. : ing_sm :monkes:

[oldsoftboss]

[QUOTE=Psycho Chicken]Well if we wanna go that way....QUOTE]

Q.. Whats red, black, red, black, white?

A.. A crow having a ****.

[oldsoftboss]

Living 2005...

Points 16, 17 & 18 are so true!!!

You know you're living in 2003 when...

1. You accidentally enter your password on the microwave.

2. You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years.

3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of 3.

4. You e-mail your mate who works at the desk next to you.

5. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends is that they do not have e-mail addresses

6. When you go home after a long day at work you still answer the phone in a business manner.

7. When you make phone calls from home, you accidentally dial "0" or "9" to get an outside line.

8. You've sat at the same desk for four years and worked for three different companies.

10. You learn about your redundancy on the 11 o'clock news.

11. Your boss doesn't have the ability to do your job.

12. Contractors out number permanent staff and are more likely to get long-service awards.


AND THE REAL CLINCHERS ARE.....

13. You read this entire list, and kept nodding and smiling.

14. As you read this list, you think about forwarding it to your "friends".

15. You got this email from a friend that never talks to you anymore, except to send you jokes from the net.

16. You are too busy to notice there was no No. 9

17. You actually scrolled back up to check that there wasn't a No.9

18. AND NOW U R LAUGHING AT YOUR OWN STUPIDNESS..

[oldsoftboss]

How do you kill a circus?
Go for the Juggler....

What's pink and handy?
A hand

Whats black and white and eats like an horse?
A Zebra

[FordFan86]

Originally Posted by oldsoftboss

16. You are too busy to notice there was no No. 9

17. You actually scrolled back up to check that there wasn't a No.9

18. AND NOW U R LAUGHING AT YOUR OWN STUPIDNESS..

Smile, you have just been :
i've read that before, still makes me laugh

[Kingsley]

A bit sick......
How do kids know it's bed time at the Neverland ranch?
The big hand touches the little hand.