Chuck Norris

loxxr6 · 03-12-2005, 04:16 PM

I never really understood the purpose of this email I received but it's funny nontheless.

Its all "facts" about Chuck Norris.

Enjoy.

Fact

Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in time to stop the JFK assassination. As Oswald shot, Chuck met all three bullets with his beard, deflecting them. JFK's head exploded out of sheer amazement.

Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.

The grass is always greener on the other side, unless Chuck Norris has been there. In that case the grass is most likely soaked in blood and tears.

Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.

A blind man once stepped on Chuck Norris' shoe. Chuck replied, "Don't you know who I am? I'm Chuck Norris!" The mere mention of his name cured this man blindness. Sadly the first, last, and only thing this man ever saw, was a fatal roundhouse delivered by Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month.

Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.

Chuck Norris once ate three 72 oz. steaks in one hour. He spent the first 45 minutes having sex with his waitress.
The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.

Chuck Norris's girlfriend once asked him how much wood a woodchuck could chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood. He then shouted, "HOW DARE YOU RHYME IN THE PRESENCE OF CHUCK NORRIS!" and ripped out her throat. Holding his girlfriend's bloody throat in his hand he bellowed, "Don't with Chuck!" Two years and five months later he realized the irony of this statement and laughed so hard that anyone within a hundred mile radius of the blast went deaf.

If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can't see Chuck Norris you may be only seconds away from death.

To prove it isn't that big of a deal to beat cancer. Chuck Norris smoked 15 cartons of cigarettes a day for 2 years and aquired 7 different kinds of cancer only to rid them from his body by flexing for 30 minutes. Beat that, Lance Armstrong.

Chuck Norris was the fourth Wiseman. He brought baby Jesus the gift of "beard". Jesus wore it proudly to his dying day. The other Wisemen, jealous of Jesus' obvious gift favoritism, used their combined influence to have Chuck omitted from the Bible. Shortly after all three died of roundhouse kick related deaths.

Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.

Chuck Norris can make a woman climax by simply pointing at her and saying "booya".
Rather than being birthed like a normal child, Chuck Norris instead decided to punch his way out of his mother's womb. Shortly thereafter he grew a beard.

Chuck Norris is not hung like a horse... horses are hung like Chuck Norris

Chuck Norris is 1/8th Cherokee. This has nothing to do with ancestry, the man ate a ing Indian.

Filming on location for Walker: Texas Ranger, Chuck Norris brought a stillborn baby lamb back to life by giving it a prolonged beard rub. Shortly after the farm animal sprang back to life and a crowd had gathered, Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked the animal, breaking its neck, to remind the crew once more that Chuck giveth, and the good Chuck, he taketh away.

Chuck Norris found out about Conan O'Brien's lever that shows clips from "Walker: Texas Ranger" and is working on a way to make it show clips of Norris having sex with Conan's wife.

Chuck Norris got a perfect score on his SAT's, simply by writing Chuck Norris for every answer.

When Chuck Norris's wife burned the turkey one Thanksgiving, Chuck said, "Don't worry about it honey," and went into his backyard. He came back five minutes later with a live turkey, ate it whole, and when he threw it up a few seconds later it was fully cooked and came with cranberry sauce. When his wife asked him how he had done it, he gave her a roundhouse kick to the face and said, "Never question Chuck Norris."

Chuck Norris never wears a condom for two reasons. One, they don't fit, and two, "Nobody tells Chuck Norris what to do!"

The quickest way to a man's heart is with Chuck Norris's fist.

Chuck Norris appeared in the "Street Fighter II" video game, but was removed by Beta Testers because every button caused him to do a roundhouse kick. When asked bout this "glitch," Norris replied, "That's no glitch."

Jesus's Birthday isn't December 25 but Chuck Norris once sent him a birthday card for that day, Jesus was too scared to tell Chuck the truth. Thats why we celebrate Christmas

Those aren't credits that roll after Walker Texas Ranger, it is actually a list of people that Chuck Norris round house kicked in the face that day.

Chuck Norris died ten years ago, but the Grim Reaper can't get up the courage to tell him.

After much debate, President Truman decided to drop the atomic bomb on Hiroshima rather than the alternative of sending Chuck Norris. His reasoning? It was more "humane".

Chuck Norris once bet NASA he could survive re-entry without a spacesuit. On July 19th, 1999, a naked Chuck Norris re-entered the earth's atmosphere, streaking over 14 states and reaching a temperature of 3000 degrees. An embarrassed NASA publically claimed it was a meteor, and still owes him a beer.

CruizinEB · 03-12-2005, 04:18 PM

someone was board to wright that lol

Sourbastard · 03-12-2005, 04:32 PM

LOL classic Loxx.

**Falcon Coupe** · 03-12-2005, 04:44 PM

I haven't laughed that much in a while, thats some funny stuff.

RavenLS1 · 03-12-2005, 04:45 PM

what a ****a, lol

Casper · 03-12-2005, 04:49 PM

very funny.. lets see how long before its on ff.com :P

XRated · 03-12-2005, 04:54 PM

Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in time to stop the JFK assassination. As Oswald shot, Chuck met all three bullets with his beard, deflecting them. JFK's head exploded out of sheer amazement.

Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.

Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.

Classics!!

MO · 03-12-2005, 09:47 PM

And Mr Glock can beat chucky everytime from ten feet away. hahahaha

Bossxr8 · 03-12-2005, 10:12 PM

You forgot one.

Roundhouse kick deaths have increased 600% since the year Chuck Norris was born.

**Falcon Coupe** · 03-12-2005, 11:44 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Bossxr8

You forgot one.

Roundhouse kick deaths have increased 600% since the year Chuck Norris was born.

Every roundhouse quote cracks me up, reminds me of Guido Hatzis from MMM
With his kick box to the head maaaate.

EFFalcon · 03-12-2005, 11:50 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Casper

very funny.. lets see how long before its on ff.com :P

it was on FM a few weeks ago ;)

jthommo · 03-12-2005, 11:55 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by XRated

Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.

In actual fact he has. When he was told that his brother Weiland had been killed in Korea.

I a scene from Missing in action he cries at the death of one of his men. He recalled Weiland's funeral to make the scene.

If you havn't guessed, I'm a fan. Granted his preaching style movies and shows are a bit over the top, but hey...

As for the roundhouse kicks. He hasn't been able to do them for about 4 years as he as bad Osteo Arthritis now and has 1 full hip replacement.

Danny · 04-12-2005, 03:52 AM

I love his Late night infomercials... Chuck Norris is the man hahahaha.

loxxr6 · 04-12-2005, 08:20 AM

Quote:

As for the roundhouse kicks. He hasn't been able to do them for about 4 years as he as bad Osteo Arthritis now and has 1 full hip replacement.

But he's still fit enough to work out on the Chuck Norris gym ( i should cringe as we have one in the household).

jthommo · 04-12-2005, 08:12 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by loxxr6

But he's still fit enough to work out on the Chuck Norris gym ( i should cringe as we have one in the household).

Me Too..

Woz · 04-12-2005, 09:52 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by jthommo

In actual fact he has. When he was told that his brother Weiland had been killed in Korea.

I a scene from Missing in action he cries at the death of one of his men. He recalled Weiland's funeral to make the scene.

Well then, that explains why I don't have cancer.

Thank you, Chuck! I salute thee! :sm_headba

FGX-351 · 05-12-2005, 06:22 PM

he appeared on connan durin the lever skit and showed some funny clip of connan, that lever gag is classic

4.9 EF Futura · 05-12-2005, 06:53 PM

Lol, in absolute hysterics reading that! Cheers.

deesun · 05-12-2005, 07:03 PM

Just drivel

Bossxr8 · 05-12-2005, 08:18 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by jthommo

In actual fact he has. When he was told that his brother Weiland had been killed in Korea.

I a scene from Missing in action he cries at the death of one of his men. He recalled Weiland's funeral to make the scene.

If you havn't guessed, I'm a fan. Granted his preaching style movies and shows are a bit over the top, but hey...

As for the roundhouse kicks. He hasn't been able to do them for about 4 years as he as bad Osteo Arthritis now and has 1 full hip replacement.

For admitting he once cried you now have a roundhouse kick to the head on its way, be wary.

Psycho Chicken · 05-12-2005, 08:36 PM

The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.

Chuck Norris used live ammunition during all shoot-outs. When the director said he can't, he replied, "Of course I can, I'm Chuck Norris,"
and roundhouse kicked him in the face.

if paper beats rock, and rock beats scissors, what beats all 3 at the same time? Answer: Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris can make a woman climax by simply pointing at her and saying "BOOYA".

If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can't see Chuck Norris you may be only seconds away from death.

On the 7th day, God rested.... Chuck Norris took over.

Biologically, Chuck Norris is his own step-father.

When his martial arts prowess fails to resolve a situation, Chuck Norris plays dead. When playing dead doesn't work, he plays zombie.

It is common knowledge that there are three sides to the force: the light side, the dark side, and Chuck Norris.

Scientists used to believe that a diamond was the world's hardest substance. But then they met Chuck Norris, who gave them a roundhouse kick to the face so hard, and with so much heat and pressure that the scientists turned into artificial Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris carries a man bag. If you call it a purse, he pulls a baby out of the bag and throws it at you. The baby will blow up upon impact.

Rather than being birthed like a normal child, Chuck Norris instead decided to punch his way out of his mother's womb. Shortly thereafter he grew a beard.

God offered Chuck Norris the gift to fly, which he swiftly declined for super strength roundhouse ability.

Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.

When Chuck Norris was denied a Bacon McMuffin at McDonalds because it was 10:35, he roundhouse kicked the store so hard it became a Wendy's.

Chuck Norris drinks napalm to quell his heartburn.

A ducks quack does not echo. Chuck Norris is solely responsible for this phenomenon. When asked why he will simply stare at you grimly.

Chuck Norris once tried to defeat Jackie Chan in a game of chess. When Norris lost, he won in life by roundhouse kicking Chan in the side of the face.

Chuck Norris' roundhouse kick is so powerful; it can be seen from outer space by the naked eye.

Chuck Norris doesn't believe in Germany.

Chuck Norris can cut onions without crying.

Chuck Norris burned down an entire forest when he was experimenting with water.

If you want a list of Chuck Norris' enemies just check the extinct species list.

Chuck Norris has never blinked in his entire life. Never.

Chuck Norris can believe it's not butter.

When Chuck Norris's wife burned the turkey one thanksgiving, Chuck said, "don't worry about it honey," and went into his backyard. He came back five minutes later with a live turkey, ate it whole, and when he threw it up a few seconds later it was fully cooked and came with cranberry sauce. When his wife asked him how he had done it, he gave her a roundhouse kick to the face and said, "Never question Chuck Norris."

We once had a bachelor party for Chuck Norris. He ate the entire cake before they could tell him there was a stripper in it

Chuck Norris once shot a German plane down with his finger, by yelling, "Bang!"

In a recent interview, Chuck Norris told Entertainment Tonight that his most memorable role was when he played the third breast on the hooker in Total Recall.

Chuck Norris doesn't need to swallow when eating food.

If Superman and The Flash were to race to the edge of space you know who would win?
Chuck Norris

Ironically, Chuck Norris' hidden talent is invisibility.

Chuck Norris eats transformer toys in vehicle mode and poops them out transformed into a robot.

In one episode of The Fresh Prince of Bel Air, Chuck Norris replaced Carlton for one scene and nobody noticed.

Chuck Norris owns the greatest poker face of all-time. It helped him win the 1983 world series of poker despite him holding just a joker, a get out of jail free monopoly card, a 2 of clubs, 7 of spades and a green number 4 card from the game Uno.

Chuck Norris invented a language that incorporates karate and roundhouse kicks. So next time Chuck Norris is kicking your ***, don't be offended or hurt, he may be just trying to tell you he likes your hat.

Chuck Norris invented water.

Chuck Norris went looking for a bar but couldn't find one. He walked to a vacant lot and sat there. Sure enough within an hour an a half someone constructed a bar around him. He then ordered a shot, drank it, and then burned the place to the ground. Chuck Norris yelled over the roar of the flames, "always leave things the way you found em!"

One time while sparring with Wolverine, Chuck Norris accidentally lost his left testicle. You might be familiar with it to this very day by its technical term: Jupiter.

Contrary to popular belief, Chuck Norris, not the blue ringed octopus of Eastern Australia, is the most venomous creature on earth. Within 3 minutes of being bitten, a human being experiences the following
symptoms: fever, blurred vision, beard rash, tightness of the jeans, and the feeling of being repeatedly kicked through a car windshield.

Chuck Norris is Luke Skywalker's father.

Chuck Norris does not use spell check. If he happens to misspell a word, he simply changes the actual spelling of it.

Before science was invented it was once believed that autumn occurred when Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked every tree in existence.

Before email was invented Chuck Norris would attach messages to kittens and roundhouse kick them.

In the original pilot for Star Trek Next Generation Chuck Norris can be seen powering the USS enterprise warp drive with his roundhouse kicks

Chuck Norris was once asked to recommend a club to which he replied 'I am a club' and everyone partied on him... Until he roundhouse kicked them all because someone spilt his beer.

Chuck Norris once tried the Stare of Doom on Mr. T. Mr. T's gold reflected the doom, and the resulting carnage caused the melt down at Chernobyl.

Chuck Norris's girlfriend once asked him how much wood a woodchuck could chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood. He then shouted, "HOW DARE YOU RHYME IN THE PRESENCE OF CHUCK NORRIS!" and ripped out her throat. Holding his girlfriend's bloody throat in his hand he bellowed, "Don't f**k with Chuck!" Two years and five months later he realized the irony of this statement and laughed so hard that anyone within a hundred mile radius of the blast went deaf.

http://uncyclopedia.org/wiki/Chuck_Norris

MO · 05-12-2005, 09:58 PM

I think its teapot time.

Psycho Chicken · 05-12-2005, 09:59 PM

Chuck Norris invented the teapot.

MO · 05-12-2005, 10:08 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Psycho Chicken

Chuck Norris invented the teapot.

That maybe true...but it took the team at FFAU...to improve it.

FGX-351 · 06-12-2005, 02:38 PM

ok whats with the whole teapot thing i dont get it?

gozza · 06-12-2005, 02:57 PM

man thats classic material
everytime i read chuck norris i laugh
everything there is so true
its sorta funny tho...like the hoff...after so long of somone being the target or ridicule they become heros

MRJUCY · 06-12-2005, 09:02 PM

Every time a church bell rings, Mr. T pities a fool.
Mr. T doesn't pity anyone who likes the Black Eyed Peas. He just kills them.
Mr. T speaks only when necessary. His main form of communication is folding his arms and slowly shaking his head. And regardless of the situation, he is always understood.
Mr. T pities fools because even fools deserves their daily dose of vitamin T.
Mr.T once punched Chuck Norris at the exact moment he roundhouse kicked Mr.T in the chest. the result was the 80's.
Mr. T invented fools. Realizing the magnitude of his folly, he then created Pity.
Yoda had two sons. To one he taught pity, to the other he gave the gift of the beard.
23. That's the number of people Mr. T has pitied in the time it has taken you to read this sentence.
On the A-team, Face , Haniabal, and Murdoch were all masters of disguise. Mr T didn't have to wear a disguise. The bad guys didn't recognize him out of fear.
Mr. T coined the phrase, "I see dead people," after the waiting staff at Denny's forgot his birthday.
Mr. T once shook hands with Chuck Norris, or so it appeared, in actuality, their combined power caused an earthquake, which gave their hands a look of shaking to any onlookers, who were probably too scared to accurately testify anyway.
There are only four horsemen of the apocalypse, because Mr. T is going to walk.
Despite popular belief, Mr. T in fact ended the civil rights movement by getting on a bus....all caucasian people moved to the back.
Mr. T is allergic to doorknobs. That's why he can only kick through doors.
Mr. T's pity for fools is used by mathematicians as a demonstration of the concept of infinity.
Mr. T can rip a phonebook in half with his bare testicles.
Mr. T's mother didn't breast feed him. He milked her.
Mr. T's edition of the VH1 show 'Where Are They Now' was the shortest in the show's history. It was 10 seconds long, and consisted of a black screen with the words "Right Behind You" written on it.
Mr. T once bit off more than he could chew. He ate it anyway.
Mr. T skis uphill.
Mr. T. does not break wind. He destroys it.
It took five women 2 years to give birth to Mr. T.
Behind every great man, there is a great woman. Behind that woman is Mr.T.
Mr. T puts the laughter in manslaughter.
The last time Mr. T went to McDonald's, Ronald McDonald greeted him.What occured next proved to be the most violent beating of a clown ever recorded in human history.
Mr. T once pitied the sun. An ice age followed.
Mr. T was fired from the Psychic Friends Network for always predicting pain.
Despite popular belief, if there is a fool in the woods, and nobody is around to hear his jibba jabba, Mr. T is still able to pity him.
Mr. T once rocked the Casbah. Which explains why there is no longer a Casbah.
Mr. T is not black. It's just that the sun is to afraid to shine on him.

Thornie · 14-12-2005, 01:49 AM

ahaha they are all gold

Nugget_TX5 · 14-12-2005, 09:17 PM

Chuck Norris does not shave he roundhouse kicks his face, The only thing that can cut Chuck Norris is Chuck Norries

Chuck Norris lost his Virginity before his Dad did

There are no disabled people only those who have met Chuck Norris

Chuck Norris does not have AIDS but he gives it to people any way

SunDrifter · 15-12-2005, 09:02 AM

I prefer the Stig.

Some say that:

He was born in space. & His favourite food is raw meat.
He sleeps upside down like a bat. & His sweat can be used to clean precious metals.
His skin has the texture of dolphins. & If you tune your radio to 88.4 you can actually hear his thoughts.
He does not see like humans do, instead he sees numbers in green scrolling down.
He forages for wolves at night. & He is scared of bells.
He once punched a horse to the ground. & His politics are terrifying.
He lives in a tree. & He was raised by wolves.
He appears on high-value stamps in Sweden. & His favourite philosopher is Immanuel Kant.
He has no understanding of clouds. & His earwax tastes like Turkish Delight.
He is confused by stairs. & He naturally faces magnetic north.
He is illegal in 17 U.S. states. & His heart ticks like a watch.
All his legs are hydraulic. & He can accumbularate.
He appears on Japanese banknotes. & There's an airport in Russia named after him.
He is wanted by the CIA. & His breath smells of magnesium.
He can catch fish with his tongue. & His tears are adhesive.
If set alight, he'd burn for a thousand days. & He is terrified of ducks.
His voice can only be heard by cats. & He has two sets of knees.
He can swim seven lengths underwater. & He has webbed buttocks.
He can melt concrete on contact. & He is more machine than man.

All we know is, he's called The Stig!