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devilracer_01 · 02-11-2005, 04:56 PM

I'd like to ask for people thoughts and own experience's on getting involved with a person who has children from a previous relationship??

Myself I have a 10 yr old from a previous marriage and find it hard to form a relationship as people dont want to take on the resposibility of a child that isnt their's, have other people had this trouble?? Is it a geunine turn off not to pursue a relationship with that person?? Im very interested to hear people's thought's, own experiences.

DOC · 02-11-2005, 05:01 PM

I seen not long ago a web site that was set up by kids i think and it for the purpose of single parents to meet other single parents ( a bit like the brady bunch ) i dont remember its name but it was very successful as you can imagine the ladies were coming up against the same issues you are talking about.

It was on today tonight or similar around 4 weeks ago.

gozza · 02-11-2005, 05:12 PM

i don't have kids but i can understand what people might be thinking

of course if your looking for a relationship and the person your interested has a kid...theres gonna be a few issues.....will the kid like this person...will this person feel like a third wheel....maybe the person never wants kids....i dunno just a few thoughts

Yummy Mummy · 02-11-2005, 06:13 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by gozza

i don't have kids but i can understand what people might be thinking

of course if your looking for a relationship and the person your interested has a kid...theres gonna be a few issues.....will the kid like this person...will this person feel like a third wheel....maybe the person never wants kids....i dunno just a few thoughts

I've experienced both sides of this, being a single mum of a 4 year old son.
The bottom line is, the child comes first.

I have had a bf whom my son said a couple obscure things when he wasn't around, and I broke it off for that reason. If my child isn't going to feel comfortable around someone, then it is the boyfriend that goes, simple as that. Unfortunately he doesn't see his dad for the same reason. He doesn't like his dad's gf, and has requested not to have contact with his dad because of her, so I will not force him to go. Unfortunately his dad doesn't see things the same and won't get rid of the gf for this reason, hence doesn't have any contact with his son. His choice, but his loss as well.

It is hard, I would never ask a man to be a father to my son, but if he wants to be with me, he has to understand that I have a human being who is 100% reliant on me, so he may feel like a third wheel. In saying that, I devote as much time as I can to that person, to try to make them feel included in things. Unfortunately I don't come with the freedom to go out spontaneously etc, but that's fine.

I have the best man in the world, a 4 year old, 3 foot tall spunk who wakes up and gives me the best cuddles each morning. What more could I want?

JAJH · 02-11-2005, 06:39 PM

Well, at the risk of being riduculed , I don't agree with the kids coming first at all. I too have been down the divorce road about 12 years ago. I have 4 kids to my 1st wife, have remarried and inherited 2 more. We have always taken the opinion that kids, whether in the original or second relationship, come second. The reasoning is very simple- if the 'mother & father are happy and stable then the kids will follow suit. However, if the mother & father or step-parent are at each other's throats over the kids, that doesn't promote a healthy relationship. To me, it has always been very clear and sure, there have been times when the 6 kids we share haven't liked things, but we maintain a unity between parent and step-parent which builds strength with the kids. Given time, the kids realised we won't be divided. I remember being on a aeroplane
once and getting the emergency instructions, "In the event of oxygen masks being used, the parent should fit theirs first, then the child's". In others words, once you are in control, you can better handle the child.

Yummy Mummy · 02-11-2005, 06:46 PM

But what happens if your child says the person is mean to them when you're not around and tells them to go away? Surely that does not help the self esteem of the child, and does not promote an environment where the child can feel comfortable in it's surroundings to be able to learn and grow.

One thing that was instilled in me when I was pregnant, even when I was in a loving relationship at the time, was that I had to be completely selfless, and this person I was about to give birth to was always going to be my first priority.

I would die to save my child, so why not sacrifice my own happiness so he can be happy?

PH47 · 02-11-2005, 07:01 PM

My gf had a kid when we met, little one had just turned 3.. i was hesitant as all hell.. but now 3 years later i'm 'dad' and couldn't be happier

max^power · 02-11-2005, 07:29 PM

My sister is in this situation, always puts her child first. She gives up alot for her and does it tough. I think single parents deserve a bit of flexibility from the other partner in this regard.

While im not in the situation, if i was ever in that situation, i wouldn't want a partner that didn't enjoy every minute with my kids.

Penelope Pitstop · 02-11-2005, 07:46 PM

have actually dated a few blokes that have children and it doesn’t bother me at all. I have no children of my own and don’t actually know if I want any of my own but wouldn’t bat an eyelid if the person I desired was a breeder. I don’t think it is a good idea to introduce children into a budding relationship but if everything was going strong after a few of months or so then sure bring it on.

The children should always come first and of course dating someone who has kids involves flexibility and understanding but if they make your ovaries jump then it really isn’t a big deal is it?!

Cheers, Tori

conordec · 02-11-2005, 08:33 PM

I don't think kids should come first, i'm in the situation, who makes the moolah, provides etc... if i'm upset just because of my kid, then I'm an idiot.
My ex puts my kid first all the time, and it's spoiling him and upsetting her, I really don't think it's up to me to say anything, thats just the way she works.
Firm hand, and a this is how it is approach has worked for me. (And no, i've never hit my kid, there's never a need to resort to that sort of crapola).

Kids are kids, period, they'll have their time when they're 18.

devilracer_01 · 02-11-2005, 08:33 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Yummy Mummy

But what happens if your child says the person is mean to them when you're not around and tells them to go away? Surely that does not help the self esteem of the child, and does not promote an environment where the child can feel comfortable in it's surroundings to be able to learn and grow.

One thing that was instilled in me when I was pregnant, even when I was in a loving relationship at the time, was that I had to be completely selfless, and this person I was about to give birth to was always going to be my first priority.

I would die to save my child, so why not sacrifice my own happiness so he can be happy?

Have to agree to me my daughter definately comes first, I know her mother put her new relationship ahead of my daughter and I really think she has suffered from it, I dont have my daughter all the time and still feel it has got in the way of possible relationships,I have been told well sorry buddy but you have no chance as you have a kid

:

JAJH · 02-11-2005, 09:21 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Yummy Mummy

But what happens if your child says the person is mean to them when you're not around and tells them to go away?

I think all of us parents here know what kids can do & say so we have to take into account kids can be very manipulative, at any age. They want everything their way and can be selfish to a fault. I am not suggesting kids are not be treated poorly by the 'boyfriend', but kids want only Mum or Dad and will tell lies to get what they want.

Quote:

this person I was about to give birth to was always going to be my first priority. I would die to save my child, so why not sacrifice my own happiness so he can be happy?

If you take the attitude that your child will always come first no matter what, how can you expect to have a relationship with anyone let alone a husband. If my wife took that attitude, I would end up acting like a spoilt brat cos I don't get enough attention. And what's the point of sacrificing your happiness so your child can be happy. Guess what - both of you might end up unhappy. I believe this is part of the reason why we have such a high rate of failed relationships in 1st, 2nd & 3rd marriages, because too much emphasis is placed on the happiness of the kids at the expense of ours. As I said before, if we are happy, you will be surprised at how upbeat the kids will become.

pandaman · 02-11-2005, 09:45 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by senifx

My gf had a kid when we met, little one had just turned 3.. i was hesitant as all hell.. but now 3 years later i'm 'dad' and couldn't be happier

Bloke I know did the same thing. Tell ya what, he's more of a father to those kids than the first one ever was. Be proud man, you've done a good thing.

Yummy Mummy · 02-11-2005, 10:11 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by JAJH

And what's the point of sacrificing your happiness so your child can be happy. As I said before, if we are happy, you will be surprised at how upbeat the kids will become.

The day I decided to become a mother was the day I made a commitment to do everything in my power to make my child happy, even if it meant making the odd sacrifice. I am not saying I will sacrifice every relationship, but if it is definately unsettling my child and I feel that the relationship is not good for him, then I will consider where my priorities lie and act accordingly. I would be selfish not to.

If I were not to consider his feelings and go ahead with the relationship just because it was what I wanted, and upset him, then I don't feel I deserve to be a mother.

formerly · 02-11-2005, 10:21 PM

have been there before, and sadly i doubt i would go back. The first year was great, but yeah, not going to go into details, but i couldnt go into a relationship like that again (not at the moment anyway, not saying it wouldnt change later)

Doogstar · 29-11-2005, 01:18 AM

I think that you just have to meet the right person. If they can't or won't accept your child, they are not the right person for you.

I myself am a widower with a 9 year old daughter, I have been going out with a lovely lady for about 12 months who has 3 kids, 2 daughters 9 & 10 and a son who is 22.

The ONLY thing we ever fight about is the kids. We both love our kids and we tend to get defensive about our offspring's actions. We also have differing views and rules on child rearing, but we are trying to find the common ground. The kids are used to having our undivided attention and they found it hard at first to share that attention.

We are not living together yet because of the problems with the girls. Lots of jealousy, fighting , lying and attention seeking, slowly we are working through the issues and things are improving and we are now talking about moving in together.

There have been many times when I have wondered if it is all worth it, well it is if you find the right partner and you love them.

As a father, I would do anything in my power to make my daughter happy, but sacrificing my happiness for my daughter's short term happiness will not work, because in the long run she won't be happy if I am not happy.

So if you really want to put your children first, I think you have to step back and look at the big picture. One day, as much as my daughter loves me, she will go and make her own way in the world leaving me by myself and lonely if I don't have a partner. I don't want to be old and alone, who does? As much as she may resist, I would rather try and give her a chance of a happy normal homelife while she is growing up and make two broken families into one complete one. That's got to be better for all concerned.

Having said that, I would end it today if I thought she was going to be abused, mistreated, hated or be absolutely miserable.

There is a great website with a forum for merged families;
http://www.stepfamily.asn.au/forum/index.php

Beware though, you might get scared off by some of the posts. But great if you need to vent some frustration or get some help from those who are going through the same thing.

Doogstar · 29-11-2005, 01:39 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by JAJH

I think all of us parents here know what kids can do & say so we have to take into account kids can be very manipulative, at any age. They want everything their way and can be selfish to a fault. I am not suggesting kids are not be treated poorly by the 'boyfriend', but kids want only Mum or Dad and will tell lies to get what they want.

If you take the attitude that your child will always come first no matter what, how can you expect to have a relationship with anyone let alone a husband. If my wife took that attitude, I would end up acting like a spoilt brat cos I don't get enough attention. And what's the point of sacrificing your happiness so your child can be happy. Guess what - both of you might end up unhappy. I believe this is part of the reason why we have such a high rate of failed relationships in 1st, 2nd & 3rd marriages, because too much emphasis is placed on the happiness of the kids at the expense of ours. As I said before, if we are happy, you will be surprised at how upbeat the kids will become.

Listen to JAJH, everything he has said is true in my experience.

PH47 · 29-11-2005, 02:51 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by pandaman

Bloke I know did the same thing. Tell ya what, he's more of a father to those kids than the first one ever was. Be proud man, you've done a good thing.

Thanks champ.. I am proud as hell.. the "sperm donor" as my gf calls him was a right royal *****.. i've had to scare him off a few times when he came round to our old place drunk rambling about wanting to see his daughter.. when he's sober though he doesn't even call.. nothing.. works under a false name so he doesnt have to pay child support, all the usual scummy-dad crap.

I think of her as my own, treat her as my own, and just hope I do an alright job!